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Everyone keeps asking what they can do to help me during this difficult time and as crass as it sounds – shopping at my store is the best way to support me.

When my wonderful friends at Nice Shoes heard about my breast cancer they wanted to do something special to help so they have organized an event to support Sarah’s Place.

If you live in/near Vancouver – and do an online order at Sarah’s Place between April 6-8th and use the coupon code: FORKCANCER you will get free shipping.

All orders will be shipped en masse from Sarah’s Place to Nice Shoes and you can pick up your order from Nice Shoes when it arrives.

I can’t say enough nice things about the folks at Nice Shoes. They are committed to providing quality vegan products to the community but more importantly … they’re good friends. *LOVE*

It’s been a crazy time since my breast cancer diagnosis. I barely know what day it is…

Things have been so crazy that Gerry and I forgot our 17th wedding anniversary. Gerry’s Mum reminded us … yeesh. I’m so lucky to have married my best friend. 🙂

On Monday we went to the naturopath/oncologist (Dr. Neil McKinney). He said to me “I can’t cure your cancer but I can help support your immune system while you go through whatever treatment your doctor has you do.”

He suggested I remove all sugars (including some fruit that is high in sugar) and has me taking Green Tea Extract, a cabbage extract and his #1 suggestion was to eat Broccoli Sprouts to help shrink the tumor. Google that! 🙂

He also gave me a copy of his book Naturopathic Oncology:An Encyclopedic Guide For Patients & Physicians which I have barely had the energy to read but Gerry has been looking at it and keep track of what I need to do.

So after surgery he will have me on a specific regime and if I have to do radiation/chemo he will alter my regime according to the medications I’m prescribed. He will help me stay healthy during this process.

After we left his office I felt really happy we were able to find someone so knowledgeable about both Western and Alternative medicine. Thanks to everyone who suggested I go see him.

I also want to say THANK YOU for sharing. I can’t tell you how touching it’s been to hear/read about your experiences with cancer and for all your advice and love.

I’ve had some really low days and a lot of tears this week. Losing my breast is a really weird concept to process but I’m taking it one day at a time (more like one minute at a time).

Everyone keeps asking me what they can do to help? It sounds crass but #1 thing you can do is buy something from Sarah’s Place. Either in person or online at store.govegan.net. All the days I’ve had to close early because of doctors appointments are not good for business so if you feel like helping … buy something.

I seriously love you guys SO MUCH. All of the love, support, gifts and #feelyourselfupforsarah photos you’ve been sending me have been awesome.

I am a lucky lady to  have all this love.  🙂

Have I talked to you about insurance?

About 8 years ago Gerry started riding motorcycles and I told him he had to get Life Insurance. Around that same time my friend Cheryl was training to be a life insurance person? Adjuster? Person who sells insurance? What are they called??

Anyway. We went to see her and she (and her supervisor) sold us the life insurance but kept encouraging to us about adding on Critical Illness to our package. At that time we didn’t have a lot of $$ and it almost doubled what we were paying monthly. Ugh. We hummed and we hawed about it and Cheryl really pushed us to get it.

Holy shit am I ever glad she did.

You can read all about the insurance we purchased from Sun Life HERE. Once you’re done reading about it … go get it. If you have kids. Go get it yesterday.

I am so thankful we have this … it doesn’t take away the fear and stress and distraught we are feeling about this cancer but it does take off the financial pressure we might be feeling right now because of the store.

You think illness isn’t going to happen to you … but what if it does?

Thanks again Cheryl!  🙂

I watched Pink Ribbons last night. Fantastic documentary… I highly recommend everyone  watch it. It made me feel furious, outraged and emboldened.

I know this blog has suddenly become all boobs all the time but get used to it. It’s a few years ago it was all about the Vagina Monologues so I imagine the Anus is next.  🙂

Just got an e-mail from my buddy Holly who works with Henna Heals in Toronto. They specialize in creating temporary henna art for people experiencing hair loss.

Henna Heals also works with woman who have had breast loss. Watch! 🙂

I just sponsored a crown to someone. You can donate too by going HERE.

Well… I’m on the cancer train now.

I met with my surgeon on Thursday. He’s the guy who cuts out the cancer … he took a long look at my breast and told me I didn’t have enough breast tissue to do a lumpectomy.

My tumor is approx 4cm x 4cm (about the size of an avocado pit) and if he took the cancer and the surrounding tissue necessary it would leave me with about 1/3 of my breast cut away.

He said if he cut it and sewed it back together as/is it would be “unappetizing” and then quickly changed his wording to “unappealing”.

Both of those words he used I found infuriating. I know what he’s saying… the breast would look deformed but for some reason it made the feminist hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

He gave me a giant binder with literature from the Cancer Society and I looked through it at home and everything in it pissed me off. Every pamphlet is about “finding your womanhood again” after a mastectomy. Like if I don’t have breasts or reconstructed breasts that I will never be appealing or appetizing.

I am appealing because I’m me. Not because of my tits. Ugh. All this Pink Ribbon stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Oh yeah … so … he says I have to get a mastectomy. 🙁

Fuck. You. Asshole. Cancer.

I have awesome breasts. Like seriously spectacular. My entire life I have struggled with body image. My thighs are always too big (no matter how small). My stomach is to pudgy (no matter how flat). My forehead is too big. My arms are too hairy. My hair is too curly. I have a wee mustache. I could go on and on.

The one thing I’ve never had a complaint about? My breasts. I can look at them in the mirror and not criticize. They are perfection.  🙂

I have to clarify and say that I have a handle on the body image stuff now … (for the most part) but it’s something I have to constantly work on.

For me body-image stuff isn’t really about my body but more about how hard I am on myself. I suffer from “not good enough” disease but it’s not so much of an issue anymore.

I’m actively striving to be kinder to myself.

Turning 40 helped. I was like … fuck it. I am who I am and I’m healthy and happy and the rest isn’t important. Only now I’m not healthy and they want to cut off my beautiful right breast. Le sigh.

The talk I had with the surgeon on Thursday was just a Meet & Greet. I have a meeting on Monday with the plastic surgeon to talk about details. Like just cut it off and leave it. Or cut it off and do reconstruction later. Or cut it off and put in an implant right away.

Sometimes they take part of your stomach fat and turn that into a breast. Yes the literature mentions that you can get a mastectomy AND a tummy tuck all at the same time. “oooh hooray” I say sarcastically.

The doctor looked at my stomach and told me I was too thin to do that and for a split second I was happy that he thought I was too thin for this procedure. Jesus Christ! Vanity is a hilarious thing sometimes.

Part of me wants to say “take my breast” and proudly walk around with a big fat giant scar on my right side like the beautiful woman who took part in The Scar Project. I don’t need TWO breasts to be a woman. I don’t need any breasts. I am a woman because I am me. My breasts don’t define me.

But then I think about my closet full of beautiful dresses and vanity takes over. Ugh. I’m going to see what the plastic surgeon has to say on Monday. I’m carefully weighing out all my options.

Gerry has seen a lot of re-built mastectomy breasts. He tattoos nipples on woman who have had reconstructive surgery. He says some of them look pretty good … but they don’t really look like a breast when you’re naked. More like a lump. I guess the whole idea is to make you look symmetrical in your clothing.

But then it hits me. NONE of this reconstruction stuff is really important and it feels so idiotic to even be worry about it. Why? Because they won’t know how serious the cancer is until after the mastectomy. They take my breast tissue and then I have to wait 2 weeks before the results come back to tell me if they were able to cut all the cancer out or if I have to do treatment (like chemo/radiation/etc).

But if I’m going to reconstruct then I have to decide very soon because they can now do the implant at the same time as the mastectomy and if I do go ahead with reconstruction I’d rather have it all done at once then subject myself to multiple surgery.

Ugh!!!

Yesterday I fell into a pretty dark hole. Gerry was there to help me out of it but it’s all really super overwhelming. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster without a seat-belt and I’m white knuckling it so I don’t get thrown off.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me info on iodine and Gerson Therapy and Turkey Tail Capsules and all the other treatments I could be doing. I am seeing a naturopath on Monday who is also an oncologist and I’m going to talk about it all with him.

I promise you I will be weighing out ALL my options before I do anything.

My MRI was yesterday. It went fine. It was like laying on an uncomfortable massage table with my boobs hanging down into two holes. The whole thing took about 25 minutes. I think the hardest part for me was holding my breath for 20 seconds. Ha ha. I can’t breath very deeply lately. I’m all shallow stress breathing.

Don’t worry. I’m working on that thanks to guided meditations on my iphone and a little bit of Ativan.

So that’s where I am today.

I would love to hear from other woman who have had mastectomies. Would love to know what you wish you had done differently and how you feel about the choices you made.

I would also love to hear from my feminist sisters about what you think about this pink ribbon bullshit.  All this “we can make you a viable appealing woman again” crap is making me crazy. Can we talk about this?? The language has got to change.

Lastly … I love you guys.

I can’t believe how much love and support I have. It’s wonderfully overwhelming and I’m trying to take it all in and use it to propel myself forward.

I’m ever so thankful for you.

I got this letter from Suzy today. Totally made my day… 🙂

Dear Sarah,
I just want to thank you for sharing your experience publicly. I did my first self exam because of you and actually found a lump! I saw the doctor right away and she found a second one.

I am 26 and assumed I didn’t need to do exams yet. The “how to do a self exam” video that you posted was so helpful. They did a biopsy on my one lump and said it is a benign fibroadenoma but are sending me to ultrasound next week to be on the safe side.

You are such an inspiration and I am so glad to have been recently introduced to your instagram and website. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and can’t wait to hear when you have beat this thing!

Your newest fan and friend,
Suzy

Thank you Suzy. I’m so proud of you for being so proactive with your breast health!!

For those of you who missed the video … watch it again and then go touch yourself.  🙂

Since coming out of the Cancer Closet I’ve had lots of people (men & woman) asking me what I meant when I described my breasts as thick.

What I mean is that they’re dense.

What does that mean? It’s like the difference between water and ice (Gerry gave me that analogy).

In other words I have less fat in my breast and more connective tissue and that makes it difficult to look “through” when they do the mammogram/ultrasound. I’ve included a photo so you can see the difference between a breast with lower density vs a dense/thick breast like mine. As you can see … it’s difficult to look through it for abnormalities.

I’ve been hearing from doctors/lab techs for years that I have thick/dense breasts so if you haven’t heard that … you probably have low breast density.

But ask your mammographer or your doctor anyway because if they are dense … it does make it harder for them to find cancer and there are other ways of checking your breasts if they are dense. Remember. You are the captain of your ship. You steer the conversation where it needs to go.

I recently got a message from a woman who’s doctor told her not to do self breast exams because she’ll probably think every lump is something and that he can just find it for her. I say bullshit to that doctor. Nobody knows your body better then you do. Time to find a new doctor.

I get mammograms every Sept. What if I waited until Sept to check on this lump?? That doctor can suck a bag of dicks. Sorry. I’ve been swearing like a sailor lately … it makes me feel better for some reason. 🙂

Did you check your breasts yet??

What a roller-coaster this last week has been … up down and up again.

Coming out of the Cancer Closet on Thursday was the best thing for me. The last couple of weeks since my needle biopsy I really felt like I wasn’t being genuine to everyone around me and now I can be my weird wonderful self and speak freely.

I had the day off on Friday and all I did was lay around the house. I really needed to chill … It was good. Actually it was intermittent laying around. I also did 3 loads of laundry and changed the bed but there was lots of laying around in between folding socks. 🙂

Saturday at Sarah’s Place was amazing. We had our monthly bake-sale (with the funds going to FOA) and everyone came out in full force with goodies to sell.

Thank you to everyone who came by to donate vegan treats and to everyone who donated $$. We made a little over $400 for FOA. Wahoo.

And a GIANT thank you to Dandies Marshmallows who donated mini-marshmallows and prizes for our volunteers. They are awesome.  🙂

The whole day was wonderful. I had so many visitors and they all brought me hugs and well-wishes. I even got this beautiful bouquet of flowers from my hairdresser and the staff at Lab Salon.

It felt like my birthday and I was so happy when someone would come give me a hug and then the sober reality of why they were hugging would hit me hard.  :(  Roller-coaster.

I am SO lucky to have so many wonderful friends here, there and on the internet. My customers are amazing and many of them have become friends. Lucky. Lucky. Lucky. I am so lucky.

The #feelyourselfupforsarah tag on instagram is growing bigger and bigger everyday. It’s incredible to wake up and see more of your beautiful boobies staring back at me. 🙂 We gotta do something with this momentium! Ideas?

The best part of my day was when my friend Tash came from Vancouver to visit me. We’ve known each other for a VERY long time and it was so thoughtful of her to come over to see me. We had a great time visiting and laughing. I have great friends.

All this love and attention got me thinking about a former friend of mine. She went through cancer a few years ago and she pushed all of her close friends (including me) away. She went so far as to write a “don’t contact me till I’m ready to talk to you.” letter to everyone and I never heard from her again. I respected her request and I stayed away but it hurt my heart. She was like a little sister to me… 😐

It was like… what the what?? It was really hard for me to understand why anyone would push people who love you away but I’m not in her shoes (or her thought process) and she won’t talk to me anymore so it’s not like I’ll ever understand why she did that. I just hope she’s ok.

Maybe there will come a time when I’ll want to be more private but I can’t imagine ditching all my friends … all this love being thrown at me is overwhelming  but in a good way. It’s also incredibly uplifting. I’m well aware that I haven’t even started the tough part of this journey yet but knowing that I have so much support … it fuels me to kick ass.

So a big thank you to everyone for making Saturday so awesome. Let’s make every day awesome!! Starting right now. SMOOCH!

Had my first melt-down last night.

I don’t know why but during the day I feel fine. I have an “I can do this” feeling and then as soon as the sun goes down I start to panic. “What if I can’t do this…”

What is that? Do I feel more vulnerable when it’s dark? Is it cause I’m not doing as much busy work? Last night I was struck with this awful thought… “What if Gerry drops dead from a heart-attack tonight.”

Horrible thought!!

Then I started to panic because I don’t think I can get through this without him …

My friend Bif warned me about this. She called it “Future-Tripping”. Where you start awfulizing about all the bad things that could happen.

It’s normal. I know that and I tried to shut it down and focus on other things. I had a wonderful long talk on the phone with my best buddy Shoshana (who I’ve known for 40+ years) and it was so great to hear her voice but the panic of losing Gerry really grabbed at my heart and stuck with me all night.

So I bawled. A lot. It was good. Gerry and I went for a long walk with the dog and I blubbered and laughed and then cried some more. We fell into bed exhausted and crashed hard.

So melt-down #1 accomplished. I’m sure there’s MANY more coming … 🙂