I’m melting …

Had my first melt-down last night.

I don’t know why but during the day I feel fine. I have an “I can do this” feeling and then as soon as the sun goes down I start to panic. “What if I can’t do this…”

-9What is that? Do I feel more vulnerable when it’s dark? Is it cause I’m not doing as much busy work? Last night I was struck with this awful thought… “What if Gerry drops dead from a heart-attack tonight.”

Horrible thought!!

Then I started to panic because I don’t think I can get through this without him …

My friend Bif warned me about this. She called it “Future-Tripping”. Where you start awfulizing about all the bad things that could happen.

It’s normal. I know that and I tried to shut it down and focus on other things. I had a wonderful long talk on the phone with my best buddy Shoshana (who I’ve known for 40+ years) and it was so great to hear her voice but the panic of losing Gerry really grabbed at my heart and stuck with me all night.

So I bawled. A lot. It was good. Gerry and I went for a long walk with the dog and I blubbered and laughed and then cried some more. We fell into bed exhausted and crashed hard.

So melt-down #1 accomplished. I’m sure there’s MANY more coming … 🙂

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12 Responses to I’m melting …

  1. Kerstin says:

    Try to go for walks, brisk walks, when possible, walks that get you in a sweat. I was told panic attacks make your body secrete stress hormones or sth like that that the body can only deconstruct by following the natural urge that stems from panic: the need to flee. Brisk walks will help, I was told.

    And, yeah, trying to stay in the here and now, worrywise, helps a lot too. But for me that means one thing: a lot of ACTIVE practice… wonder if that stuff will ever just “come to me” 🙂

    Hugs and love <3

  2. Terry says:

    “Future-tripping” is a great term. A friend of mine who has overcome stupendously scary health problems had a name for this too that I really like: “the parade of imaginary horribles.”

    Visualizing it as a parade really helps me for some reason…

  3. Chris says:

    I think there are really good reasons for you to be “melting” right now. Your body is going through a process and it’s dealing with the situation you’re in in the way it’s built to. Don’t stress about the completely natural stuff you’re feeling and doing. And telling yourself you must be strong, getting upset over being upset, or feeling like you’re somehow failing or doing it wrong is all likely to just add more unneeded stress. Feel what you feel, honor it all, and let it flow…it may actually be helping. 😉 Meanwhile, I send you virtual hugs and lotsa love. xo!

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201208/why-crying-is-good-you

  4. Karen says:

    Melting down is normal and necessary … but sucks non-the-less. Just feels crappy. Kind of like PMS … you know what’s causing it but that doesn’t make it feel any less annoying. You’re grieving … the loss of your “good” health. And you are staring your mortality in the face. All of us do that at some point. Again, doesn’t make it feel any better … but know that you are not alone. And, I’m guessing, having watched your Mom go through it .. it’s all too f’ing familiar. (Throwing around the f word helps me with expressing anger .. to a point. Maybe you too, I don’t know). I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is unfair. My mother’s mother died from a cancer that started in her eye (a way long time ago) and my mother had breast cancer in 1969. She’s gone now but she did not die from the cancer (so I understand that not being surprised by it thing). Write down all your questions as they surface and when you go to your visits take someone with you (preferably someone who’s been through it). I don’t know you at all but you just seem to have the most special spirit and you work so hard at being healthy … this has just got to be a kick in the teeth. As one human being to another, I pray that you are surrounded by love and light. And tell Gerry, under no circumstances is he allowed to die from a heart attack! I’m sure it’s scary for him too… You are both in my prayers.

  5. Great term by Bif.

    It’s totally normal to be going through those emotions at night. Night time is when our little mind gremlins come out to “play” and that saboteur voice tries to scare us. Revert natural.

    I found out about your dx on Instagram which led me to your website. I was dx with breast cancer at age 28. I’m also a West Coast girl. Living on the Sunshine Coast but my oncologists are in Vancouver so I’m there often.

    I highly recommend Inspire Health which is an integrative cancer care clinic. They just opened there Victoria location in the last year I believe.

    Anyways I wish you all the best. And will most likely check in here to see how you are doing. Good luck on Tuesday. You can do this!!!

    Xo

    Ashley

  6. Esther says:

    That seems a totally understandable, normal reaction to such a stressful and threatening situation. Wishing you love, security and strength (((((Sarah))))).

  7. Susan Lahti (Corey's Mom) says:

    Sarah, As difficult a time as this is. …. .breathe… breathe on purpose. … breathe through it. Let yourself feel all that you feel. Breathe THROUGH it. …..Inhale……exhale….breathe. Full deep breaths. Slow and steady. You are a strong and courageous Soul. But in your personality you don’t have to be strong all the time or feel wrong for being upset about all that you feel. There is no wrong way of doing this. Let yourself lean on those around you. My guess is that you have been strong and been there for so many others but now it is time for others to be there for you. Don’t ever doubt that your Soul has a larger purpose for you. You will make it through this. Just remember to breathe.

    Gerry is not going anywhere. He will be with you through this.

    I’ve never met you but I have been there myself. I’ve had my own experiences. Corey speaks the most high of you.

    I send mega hugs and love, from my Soul to yours.

  8. Rebecca says:

    Sarah,
    It is ok for meltdowns to happen and to feel whatever it is you are feeling at the time. I understand about feeling scared about the future it is OK. Just be sure to take care of you and pamper yourself get a massage or even better have Gerry give you one, take a bubble bath, give yourself a facial, and eat right. Whatever makes you feel pampered go for it.
    I know that my friend had her meltdowns too when she had both her cancers.

    Take care!

  9. Tom says:

    Sarah,
    I’ve been a fan of your books and blog for years. You have inspired so many people! Even though I don’t really know you, your blog has always felt like a familiar friend that was very comforting at times.
    Now it’s time for your many, many virtual friends to offer you comfort and support. You will get through this! Sending positive thoughts and love your way!

  10. christina says:

    i am familiar with night time worries!! i’ve been having them since i was a kid. if i had done something “bad” i’d be ok with it all day until, bam, lights out and then i’d freak. i’d usually call my mom into my room to admit all of the bad stuff i’ve done, or all of the worries i was having. just try and not fear these night time freak outs, because then you’ll set yourself up for them! just take it all as it comes, and keep reminding yourself you can do it. sometimes it helps to pull yourself into the here and now by looking around and naming things that are literally around you. “book” “curtain” “blanket” reminding yourself that even though your thoughts exist, they aren’t tangible things and you have the power to squash them.

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