Had my first melt-down last night.
I don’t know why but during the day I feel fine. I have an “I can do this” feeling and then as soon as the sun goes down I start to panic. “What if I can’t do this…”
What is that? Do I feel more vulnerable when it’s dark? Is it cause I’m not doing as much busy work? Last night I was struck with this awful thought… “What if Gerry drops dead from a heart-attack tonight.”
Then I started to panic because I don’t think I can get through this without him …
My friend Bif warned me about this. She called it “Future-Tripping”. Where you start awfulizing about all the bad things that could happen.
It’s normal. I know that and I tried to shut it down and focus on other things. I had a wonderful long talk on the phone with my best buddy Shoshana (who I’ve known for 40+ years) and it was so great to hear her voice but the panic of losing Gerry really grabbed at my heart and stuck with me all night.
So I bawled. A lot. It was good. Gerry and I went for a long walk with the dog and I blubbered and laughed and then cried some more. We fell into bed exhausted and crashed hard.
So melt-down #1 accomplished. I’m sure there’s MANY more coming … 🙂