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I’ve been so busy! And some of it has been fun.  🙂

My energy is slooowwwwllly returning and that means I’ve been able to do a few more things. I’m not running a marathon but instead enjoying being able to walk around without getting tired.

I’ve been helping Gerry with all the Tattoo Zoo 10th Anniversary stuff. It’s a month long celebration and we have prizes every single day … If you live in town and want to join in on all the fun you can read all about it HERE

Gerry and I went on an amazing spa day. My friend Jane had sent me a big gift certificate for my birthday back in June and I’ve been saving it up for when my chemo was over and it was safe for me to go into a public place that has the potential for germs.

So I booked Gerry to come with me for a hand/foot/head massage. It was perfect. Lots of pampering without too much body work. It was a great way to say good bye to this phase of of my cancer treatment.

The best part about the spa is that it’s connected to The Empress hotel so they suggest you get there early so you can use the pool/hot tub/sauna/steam rooms as well as their mineral pool. Gerry and I sat in the mineral pool and let the warm water wash over us .. it was incredible just to sit there with nothing to do but relax.  🙂

I also went for a swim in the big pool. Being that it was a Wed the entire place was ours and it was awesome. I have been DYING to go swimming since my diagnosis but haven’t been able to because I was either healing from surgery or avoiding germs during my chemo.

I got into the water and started floating around on my back. The room was playing classical music and I of course started crying. It felt so good to be in water … I wanted to swim laps but Gerry smartly pulled me back and only let me swim one. He was right to pull me back because the next day I was EXHAUSTED. Ha ha. I think I floated there for 40 minutes.

There is a 8 week class at the YMCA that is free for breast cancer survivors once they are done treatment. I can’t wait to get back into the water and start using my body again.

I also got my radiation tattoos. I have 4 small marks that the radiation technicion will use to line up the machine in the same spot every time. The nurse who did it used a needle/ink instead of a machine.

Bif had told me when she got hers done she made jokes about how “Stick & Poke” tattoos are done like this in jail but that the joke bombed … so I decided to try it and said the same joke.

The joke bombed hard. Ha ha. I guess Radiation techs don’t have a good sense of humor … or they hear that joke 10x a day.  🙂

I also saw my oncologist. She congratulated me on finishing chemo and handed me a 10 year prescription for Tamoxifen. Yeah. 10 years. That’s how long I’ll be taking it …

My doctor said I may get hot flashes with it … but I’m was already getting hot flashes from the chemo so I hope it’s not any worse than that.

She warned me that the radiation will also make me tired. Probably around the 2-3 week mark. I’m nervous about it. Feeling incapacitated by fatigue is uncomfortable for me. Maybe because I had that bout of CFS back in the 90’s. I don’t ever want to feel like that again… Anyway … we’ll see how it goes.

She also wanted to talk about taking out my port but I’m not ready yet. I want to get through the radiation and I don’t want to also do a surgery at the same time. I also don’t know yet if I have to do the 2nd mastectomy or have my ovaries removed so let’s just just slow down and do one step at a time here.  🙂

The port can stay inside me for years … I just have to make sure to get it flushed with saline every 3 weeks. So I’ve made appointments with the nurses to do that. The port doesn’t get in my way or bug me (except when I’m laying on my right side) so we are going to keep that purple power port where it is for now.

OH YEAH!
On Halloween I dressed up like a cat and went downtown to see Gerry. It was fun walking around town in a wig. I think it’s the only time I can wear a wig. Any other time I do it I feel self conscious.

We’ve been going for lots of walks so I can get some of my energy back. Went back to Gold Stream to see the salmon spawn. It’s really getting good now. I think next weekend will be the peak of it.

Does anyone else suffer from Walking Dead PTSD? I can’t walk through the forest without being afraid of being attacked by zombies.

This dude in the tunnel freaked me the fuck out and all he was doing was walking through it … ha ha ha

ACK!! I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since Gerry and I took over Tattoo Zoo!!!

November marks our 10th anniversary and we want to celebrate!!

The ENTIRE month we will be giving away daily prizes as well as having fun online contests to thank our customers for all their loyal support. Here’s how you can join in on all the fun! 🙂

DAILY PRIZE
– Book a tattoo in the month of November (250-361-1952). We are giving away prizes every day to EVERY single customer who gets tattooed in November!

The prizes are waiting for you!! Pull out a “magic ball” from our spinning cage of prizes and see what you’ve won! Could be $10 off your tattoo or $100 off! Could be a free t-shirt or a hug from Gerry. You never know what you might win!

FRIDAY FUN
– Every Friday from 12-9pm we will be having a $80 “GET WHAT YOU GET” tattoo party.

Without looking you will pull a design from our special box-o-flash and get the tattoo for $80! If you don’t like the design – pay another $10 to pull a different design. And so on. Etc.

We are putting some cool/fun/hilarious/sick designs in the box. It’s gonna be awesome. Remember. It’s first-come/first-served so come down to the shop and get your name on the list early!

FACEBOOK
– Friend us on Facebook. Not only will you be kept up to date with all the upcoming Customer Appreciation events in November but we are doing a FB friend-only contest. Like us HERE and stay tuned for details.

TWITTER
– Follow us on Twitter to stay in the loop with upcoming Customer Appreciation events. We are also doing a special Twitter friends only tattoo give-a-way. Contest rules will be announced on soon. Follow us HERE and stay tuned for details.

INSTAGRAM
– Follow us on Instagram where you can see what we tattoo each day. We will also be doing an exciting give-a-way only on Instagram so follow us HERE. Details to be announced soon.

RAFFLE PRIZE
– Win a $350 tattoo gift card! Purchase raffle tickets at the shop (1215 Wharf Street). $5 per ticket or $20 for an arms length. Proceeds from the raffle will benefit Hearts on Noses Pig Sanctuary. Here’s a sneaky tip … buy an arms length of tickets from Gerry. His arms are like spaghetti!

Did my last chemo. It was incredibly uneventful … and that’s a good thing.  🙂

The night before I made the nurses/staff a bunch of cookies/tarts as a thank-u for all their help during my chemo. They were all so impressed that I baked everything myself … don’t they know who I am? Ha ha.

Nurse M. (who is one of my fav nurses) was the nurse who gave me my very first chemo at the start of my treatment. I don’t know if it was planned but she was my nurse for this last chemo and I was so thrilled it was her.  She’s the kind of nurse you want to have. Confident. Funny. Sassy. Chilled out even on the busiest day. I love her … and luckily she also works in the radiation department so I hope she’s there for my first rad appointment.

Gosh it feels good to be done  this part of my treatment … So good that I made a little video. 🙂

(if the video doesn’t work that means it’s time to update your browser)

The hardest part this week was knowing I was going to feel shitty for at least 5 days after but after 12 weeks of this I know the schedule. Wed I feel ok. Thursday I’m manic. Friday I’m exhausted but still a little manic. Saturday I’m a hot-mess and feel like shit and Sunday I wake up feeling almost normal again.

This week was a little different because I flew in Gerry’s best-bestie Jay in on Thursday as an early birthday surprise. We tucked Jay into a box and Gerry was SO surprised. It was awesome. 🙂

That’s not what my real voice sounds like BTW. I was quoting Brad Pitt in Se7en. I don’t want to spoil the movie if you haven’t seen it – but “what’s in the box” is not as good as what was in Gerry’s box.  🙂

Having Jay here was such a treat. Gerry and he have a deep bro-friendship. Jay is such a good friend that I was walking around the house with no make up on and only one boob without feeling self concious. That makes him family.  🙂

The best part for me was seeing Gerry smile from ear to ear. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him so happy.

On Sunday Gerry had a bro-love motorcycle day with Jay, Stu and Jeff. They rode off on a day-long motorcycle adventure. It was exactly what Gerry needed to unwind and get rid of some of this chemo stress we’ve been carrying around.  🙂

As for me? I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping this week. Lots of rejuvenating naps and Fergus seems to be sooooo fine with it.

One thing that happened this week was ALL my eyebrows fell out. It’s weird because they fell out and then grew in and now they’re all gone again. It makes me feel like I look like a thumb.

Gerry tried to help by filling in my brows for me. Ha ha.

It’s ok. I know it’s only temporary and I’m pretty good at drawing them on … I hope they start to grow back soon. Same with my eyelashes!! Not having eyelashes sucks more that anything. I get weepy in the wind. I get sand in them on the beach. I got carrot juice in them when I was juicing yesterday. ha ha. I need my eyeball protectors back pronto!!!

I’m starting to feel more normal today … and this week I only have three appointments.

#1 is to see my naturopath to talk about my upcoming radiation
#2 is to get my bloodwork done for my oncologists appt next week
#3 is to to a very she-she-froo-froo spa to have a couples massage to celebrate the end of chemo and Gerry’s upcoming birthday!! I am SO excited to be pampered.

I don’t start radiation until the 14th so I’m going to try and get some of my fitness back in these next few weeks before chemo. Today Fergus and I went for a good 30 minute walk around my neighborhood. Yesterday we went to the beach and walked for 45. I wish I could do more than just “walk” right now but I’m like a weak little kitten.

Perhaps I’ll try and sneak some yoga in there too … There’s a fine line between doing what you need and doing too much and I’m trying to find what that is.

Does anyone have any after-chemo exercise/rejuvenate yourself/well-being tips they want to share?

I’ve had a good week …

For the last month I’ve been going to chemo with various friends/family so Gerry could have a break from the grind of working full time and taking me to the cancer center on his days off. But this week he came with me to my appointments.

As much as I love my friends/family … there is nothing like being with your husband while you endure uncomfortable stuff.

For some reason my pre-chemo blood appointment was early in the morning so by 10:30am we realized we had the ENTIRE day to ourselves. No more appointments! Woot!

We drove out to Goldstream Park to see if the salmon have started spawning yet. We are a little early yet but we did get lucky and see one salmon doing his thing. In a couple of weeks there will be hundreds.

Every time I go to Goldstream Park I hear a voice say… “this is where you belong“.

Remember last year when I went for a massage with Prince the horse up at Mary’s Farm and Sanctuary. The farm is located up the road from Goldstream and when I was there I heard a voice say “You are doing it wrong. This is where you should be…”

Well … What the hell? Now I have to figure out what all this means.

Goldstream Park is near the Harley Davidson store so Gerry and I popped in there so he could look for stuff for his bike. As we were driving down the road Gerry hit the breaks and said “Look! A frog in the middle of the road!”

A big truck drove by and almost squished him so as soon as the street cleared I jumped out of the car and scooped up the frog and took him to safety.

It was kind of a comedy of errors at first. The frog obviously didn’t want to be picked up so he kept jumping away and I ALMOST had him to the sidewalk when he started jumping back into the street. I finally managed to grab him and took him over to a bog. I’m sure he’ll be quite happy there. 🙂

I got back in the car and started crying. #1. I wish I had spent more time with the frog. Frogs are so cool. #2. It reminded me of when Shoshana and I were kids.

One summer we stayed at my Dad’s friends farm for a week or so. David & Catherine live in this adorable house on a big piece of land near Saskatoon and Shoshana and I would spend our time wandering around looking at stuff. There were horses to look at. We read. Sometimes we got to throw bottles into the bottle pit (early recycling). We helped with gardening. We mostly played outside – One time we found a bunch of toads in the creek and we carefully scooped up as many as we could and took them back to the house.

Why? I don’t know … because we could?

We left them in the bathtub thinking they would be safe in there and went to bed. The next morning the ENTIRE BATHROOM was covered in toads.

They. Were. Everywhere. Ha ha. Idiots.

Saving that frog in the road made me think of Shoshana which made me miss her immensely. Like I felt like my heart was breaking kind of feeling. Sometimes I think about moving to Toronto just to be closer … Do they have a Goldstream Park in Toronto?

This week I also went for dinner with some friends to the new sister restaurant of Bliss Cafe called Be Love.

It’s beautiful. They did such a nice job with it and the menu is really exciting. So much to choose from (both cooked and raw).

My only complaint is that they use honey in some of their dishes. If they just nixed the honey the restaurant would be 100% vegan. I don’t get why they still use honey when there are so many other things they could use. Anyway … small complaint. 🙂 The food was excellent and it’s wonderful to have another vegan friendly place to eat in Victoria. Wahooo!

Also this week my dear sweet friends at Moo Shoes sent me this FAB pair of shoes.

I saved wearing them till Wed so I could wear them to chemo and they were a hit!  🙂

The staff at the cancer center must think I’m such a nut with all my different outfits/shoes. I don’t think I’ve slummed it to chemo once.

Thank you MOO SHOES! You guys are amazing. Hey. If I moved to Toronto I would be even closer to Moo Shoes … hmmmm.

Other then everyone fawning over my shoes – chemo was uneventful. My dear sweet Gerry husband was there beside me. There is nothing better then taking a drug induced nap with your husband sitting beside you keeping watch.

So … I have ONE MORE CHEMO to go.

But don’t get too excited. It’s not all over once the chemo is over. I mean … we can celebrate the end of this milestone but I still have 5 weeks of daily radiation to do.

We also met with the genetic councilor to talk about doing testing to see if I have the breast cancer gene. If I test positive then we have to decide if I go with another mastectomy and also remove my ovaries. So there’s still lots to do …

One thing at a time. For now we focus on my last chemo.

Jesus… what should I wear?

When Sarah’s Place was open I carried a fantastic vegan skincare line called Sprout.

They recently changed their name to S.W. Basics and darling Adina (the founder) sent me a lovely chemo care package the other day which included some of their newest products.

Chemo is really dehydrating. Even my eyeballs get dehydrated. It’s crazy. No matter how much water I drink – my skin has been suffering. Especially my face.

Adina sent me a GIANT bottle of the Body Oil and as soon as it arrived I rubbed it all over my face. On the label of the Body Oil it says “Soak it in Champ” and have I ever!!

I swear to Dog I could hear my skin say “ahhhhhh” when I rubbed it in. 🙂 I’ve been using the Body Oil for about 5 days now on all my rough spots and my face/feet/hands/skin is already 1000x better.

The Body Oil only has 3 ingredients. Avacado, Grapeseed and Sesame Oil. It’s a perfect blend … my skin soaks it up and I don’t look greasy. Just hydrated and healthy!

Thank you lovely Adina for all the love and support. My skin thanks you too. 🙂

I was hoping to re-open Sarah’s Place online soon but I just don’t have the energy. Every time I think about going to the storage locker to unpack the merchandise I feel crushed by the weight of it all. I wish I had the energy … I really do. 🙁

But if you’re interested in grabbing some S.W. Basics products go to their website HERE to order.

What a week!

My friend Jen came into town from Toronto and we had a great visit. We did a lot of talking, eating and also a little shopping. We ended up buying matching leggings. Ha ha. What a couple of dorks we are.

Chemo went pretty ok this week. I had to do the pre-meds again but this time I knew they were coming so I was more mentally prepared. Jen was great… I warned her about how drunk they make me so she knew what to expect.

We went to chemo in matching pants … ha ha. Everyone at the Chemo Clinic laughed when they saw us. It was awesome.

Jen drove me home and I crashed with Fergus. I barely remember anything …

One thing I did differently this week was to take an Ativan before I took my post-chemo nap. The Dexamethazone/Benedryl gives me terrible nap-mares and I wake up several times moaning/shaking and terrified. The Ativan really helped with this … I woke up super groggy and Jen said I was slurring my words a little (ha ha) but I wasn’t terrified when I woke up so I’ll take groggy over scared out of my mind with anxiety any day.

I really think Fergus is enjoying all this cuddling.  🙂

So now I have TWO chemos left. Ugh. Can you believe it? I can’t … It’s become such a weird routine. I can’t even fathom what it will be like to not have to do it anymore.

It was such a bummer to send Jen home on Thursday. I had a little cry after I put her on the airport shuttle bus and then I spent most of the day moping around feeling sad about her leaving. 🙁

Aren’t best friends the best? When you see them it’s like no time has passed … there’s no “catching up” – it’s just full-on-fun from the second you see them again. Good friends like that are precious.

I also shaved my head this week. The chemo hair that’s growing-in is a weird texture. Like rabbit fur. It was fun to see it coming in but after a while it was starting to make me feel “not cute”.

Partly because it was so thick in the back of my head and almost nonexistent on top. I was starting to look like Patrick Stewart – who I think is adorable but it’s not a good look on me – so I shaved it back down to the scalp. 🙂

“Someone” is feeling cute again. 🙂

Shaving my head felt good… It feels more like a choice. Ya know what I mean? I’ll grow it in eventually but not until it starts acting like normal hair again.

So this week was good. I am so thankful for Jen coming and lifting my spirits like she did. Besty best friends are the best!! 🙂

I pretty much sob into Gerry’s chest at least once a day now. I feel bad for him … he comes home and I fall apart. I’m so sick of being sickly.

My anxiety seems to be getting worse too … maybe cause I’m so close to the end of the chemo and about to move into the next phase of treatment? Or maybe it’s just all getting to be too much.

I’m so tired of all the appointments. The blood draws, the chemo, the waiting rooms. Mostly I’m so tired of being man-handled by nurses.

90% of them are lovely and amazing (especially over at the cancer center) but every once in a while you have a bad one and it’s emotionally exhausting.

I had another bone scan … I had my first bone scan 6 months ago and the doctor said there was something funny on my shoulder so this 2nd scan is just to double check that it was nothing.

Bone scans are easy except that you have to have a special shot and then wait 3 hours before you can do your scan. I requested that they do the shot though my port and it became a whole “thing”. Ugh.

I won’t bore you with the details but I will say that some nurses are better than others and this nurse I had was such a freak. Her energy was so frantic that it took all my strength not slap her in the face like Cher in Moonstruck.

I’m trying to stay positive about the scan but I’m finding the less energy I have … the more energy it takes to stay positive. Does that make sense? I should have the results on Monday. Cross your fingers.

I’ve been trying to keep my spirits up by going outside. Now that the weather has shifted it’s so much easier to go out during the day. Gerry and I went for a long walk at the Kinsol Trestle.

I’m at my best when I’m in the woods walking around in my rubber boots in the rain. I told Gerry I feel like moving to a cabin in the woods and living like “Walter White”.

I am trying to be social but it hasn’t been easy … my energy is low. It’s hard to have a conversation with more than one person at a time. My right ear has been plugged for 10 days because of tension in my neck so it makes everything sound weird. Ugh. I’m having a hard time.

I keep in touch with friends mostly via text message. It’s the easiest way for me to stay in touch right now. I hope they understand. I know most of them do.  🙂

A bright light for me this week was getting to see my friend Bif who was in town to do a show. I napped all day so I could have enough energy to see her. 🙂

It was fun to watch her perform and we hung for a little bit after the show. She’s been such a cheerleader for me since the beginning of this cancer trip … keeps telling me “I can do it.”

She understands more than anyone in my family/friend circle what I’m going through because she’s looking at it from the other side. Seeing her always gives me that extra push I need to stay positive and keep moving forward.

Speaking of friends/family circle … I’ve been surrounded by so much love the last couple of weeks. My Auntie Bonnie, Ann and Kimmee have been taking me to my appointments so Gerry can have a bit of a break.

Bonnie took me to my chemo.

Bonnie

Ann took me to my blood appointment. We forgot to take a photo in the waiting room so we did one in my living room. Ha ha.

Ann

Kimmee took me to my chemo this week and we both wore our Fluevogs…

Kimmee

Poor Kimmee got an extra treat with my chemo this week … I ended up having a reaction to the Taxol. I’m not 100% sure it was the Taxol. I personally think it was a panic attack but the nurses think it was a Taxol reaction.

It was REALLY busy that day. Normally my chemo is scheduled around 3pm and that’s when things are winding down at the Cancer Center. For some reason this chemo was scheduled at 12:30 and the place was jumping. I was squished in between two other people and it as so tight that our chairs were touching. The room was hot. There was nowhere for the nurses to work and they kept having to swing my chair around. It was all very discombobulating.

My nurse this week was in a hurry and I could tell she was stressed/rushing a little … anyway she hooked me up and left and about 5 minutes into the Taxol (maybe even more like 3 minutes in) I started feeling weird and having chest pain/tightness.

Bless Kimmee. I told her what was happening and she jumped up and grabbed a nurse and they immediately stopped the Taxol and started flushing me with saline.

It was a whole production.

Meanwhile my chest was tight and felt uncomfortable … kind of like when I have a panic attack but also like before when I was doing the AC Chemo and my chest was really hurting.

So who knows … They talked to my oncologist and then put me BACK on the “pre-meds” (Dexamethazone/Benedryl). Once that was done they gave me my Taxol in small doses. Poor Kimmee. I told her we’d be there for an hour and a half but we didn’t get out of there till 4:30.

I HATE Dexamethazone. It makes me feel crazy. Like manic/hung over and it makes my body weak and shitty. The Benedryl makes me feel drunk. It’s awful. I almost started crying in the chemo center when they said they were going to put me back on the “pre-meds”.

Kimmee was great. She watched me sleep and drove me home … I barely remember walking to my front door. I fell into bed and had the Pre-Med nightmares. Seriously. The Dex/Benedryl give me the worst nightmares. I wake up moaning, scared. My body is quivering and my heart is in my throat. It’s a horrible feeling.

Long story short … the nurses think I’ll have to do “pre-meds” for my final 3 chemos. 🙁

I have a doctors appointment on Monday and I’m going to BEG her to try the Taxol again without the pre-meds. I really think it was a panic attack. I don’t think I can handle 3 more weeks of feeling crazy from the pre-meds. Ugh.

It’s been a couple of weird stressful weeks but things are looking up. My friend Jen is coming to visit from Toronto. 🙂

She gets here tonight and I can’t wait to see her!! We don’t get to see each other as much as I would like so now I get to have her all to myself (with no distractions) for 4 whole days Yippee!!

My parents came to visit me last weekend to take me out to dinner for my birthday. Hooray!! 🙂

BTW. My birthday is in June but during that time I was so sick from the chemo that going out for food wasn’t something I could do so we postponed it until I had more of an appetite/energy.

They took me to Ulla. It’s not a veggie place but like most good restaurants in this city they have something vegetarian that can be veganized.

Gerry and I both had the only veggie dish on the menu. This is how they describe it: falafel, ancient grains, fermented turnips, vegetables, cashew cheese, yogurt.

We obviously had it without the yogurt and it was really good. The cashew cheese was tart and was excellent juxtaposed against the smokey grains. I quite enjoyed our meal. Dessert was a scoop of Grape Sorbet. It was delish!

We ended up sitting at the restaurant for almost 3 hours just gabbing about life, family and food. It was a great dinner … I love my parents. Especially when they get a glass of wine into them. 🙂 Denise (my step mum) asked me if I was going to write another book. Maybe one about what I’m experiencing now? Or something different… I told her I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.

Plus I’m too exhausted to be creative right now. I can barely read 2 pages of a book without having to go back to read them again. My brain is NOT working …

We explained to them that Gerry and I decided to compartmentalize my cancer treatment. That way it’s not so overwhelming. First we got through the surgery. Then we broke my chemotherapy treatment into three parts. Red Devil Chemo, Taxol, and lastly radiation. Not thinking too far ahead helps me not stress out about all the things I need to suffer through. Right now I’m in my Taxol phase. I’m not even thinking about the radiation… or about what future projects look like.

I have a meeting with a genetic councilor in Mid-October to talk about doing testing to see if I have the breast cancer gene. If I test positive then we have to decide if I go with another mastectomy and also remove my ovaries.

If I test negative and get an all-clear then I have to decide if I’m going to do reconstructive surgery … It’s a lot to think about … So right now we focus on today and being happy with the fact that I can eat a meal and not get sick. 🙂

The next day we met my parents for brunch at Mo:Le. I had what I always have: The avocado crispy dulse sprout sandwich with almond mayonnaise. One day I’m going to try something else but I love that sandwich!! LOVE IT!

That weekend I also got to see Courtney Love play at Rifflandia. We were given tickets by our friend Trish at Smoking Lily.

It was good to be out and at a show … but I’ve been such a hermit that it’s weird to go from the quiet of my house to a fully packed music festival. It was a little overwhelming. ha ha.

Courtney was great but I wish she didn’t smoke. If you’re a singer and you smoke – you eventually lose all your range. She used to have a great guttural scream. Now it’s all dry burned out throat. Bummed me out. Smoking is bad kids. Don’t do it!

When the show started I realized I couldn’t see anything. I always forget how much I don’t like music festivals. I’m only 5 foot 1 inches tall – so music festivals are all armpits and farts for me. I can barely see the stage. It’s soooo not my scene but I’m really thankful I got to go and see her play (Thanks Trish).

That weekend I noticed how crazy exhausted Gerry has been … he works full time at Tattoo Zoo and then on his days off he takes me to chemo.

Since chemo isn’t as difficult as it was when I was doing the Red Devil I decided to give the poor guy a break. I e-mailed some of my closest peeps and asked if they could start to accompany me to chemo.

My dance card is so full … 🙂

The other night friend of mine sent me a lovely text that said “You have no idea how strong you are. How brave and with how much grace you are doing all this…”

It was so nice to hear that but it sure doesn’t feel like it from my end. I feel like I’m all flailing legs and arms but somehow I keep moving forward…That’s how Kramers do. 🙂

Speaking of moving forward … my hair is filling in. It’s going to take a while before it looks normal but I’m really enjoying the feeling of this weird chemo hair.

It feels like a baby chick or mouse hair. It’s soft and light. It’s VERY white … with a few dark hairs.

I was pepper and salt before. I wonder if I’ll be salt and pepa from now on? Where’s Spinderella in all this?

So many feelings lately.

That 6 month-mastect-o-versary really dug up some feelings in me. I think (I know) I’ve been in “panic-mode” since the diagnosis and when you’re panicking – you’re not feeling. You’re just doing.

The last little while I’ve been feeling almost normal. I can run a few errands. I meet for tea with friends. I can mostly do what I want as long as I’m close to home (in case I get tired). And because life has become a bit of a routine which makes everything feel more normal – I am less panicked and more relaxed. With relaxation – I am now able to feel more and that in itself has been overwhelming.

Gerry said to me the other night that if you didn’t know me and you read my blog it would seem like I was having a fine old time with everything. He says one of the things he loves about me is that I always put a positive spin on everything but sometimes it’s not 100% the truth.

Truth is there are so many tears lately and it’s because I’m so full of fear.

Fear that Gerry’s going to get hit by a car when he goes out on his motorcycle. Fear that something is going to happen to Fergus.

Fear that something is going to happen to my Dad. Fear that something is going to happen to my friends in Toronto and I can’t fly to see them if they need me because I’m stuck here doing chemo/radiation until 2014.

Fear that I’m never going to be healthy again. Fear. Fear. Fear.

And a little regret. Regret that I didn’t walk around in tight T shirt with no bra on and be all like “Hey look at my fantastic boobs“. I can never do that. Ever.

I mean … I never ever would do that ha ha 🙂 but now I never ever can. Even if I had reconstructive surgery on my missing breast and I had fantastic Sophia Loren type boobies – that breast would have a history to it that my former carefree breasts didn’t.

I am mournful for the days of carefree breasts.

Prosthetic breasts and mastectomy bras are a hassle. Not wearing one is a hassle. It’s all a big stupid hassle and I’m sick of it.

Thank Dog for the change in weather! Things are cooling off and I’ve been able to do more during the day.

Top of my list is I try to go for a walk on the beach every day with Fergus.

It’s really good exercise for him (and for me). Walking is also great mental therapy as I am able to think things out on the beach – in a way I can’t do anywhere else. Today’s weather was so moody and stormy that I was looking so forward to getting to the beach.

The ocean was very dramatic today. The waves were crashing as Fergus chased seagulls. The salt air tickled my cheeks while I walk-out my stress and let my fears be washed away by the waves.

I got all bundled up in a big hat/scarf/hoodie combo to keep the wind off my face. My skin is so delicate right now because of chemo that I have to protect it from all the elements. I probably looked like I was going on an expedition to the North Pole but I wanted to be cozy.

Fergus and I did the full length of the beach and on the walk back to the car I kept noticing a solo guy looking over at me. We were walking close to the same pace and he kept glancing in my direction.

That’s when I put my earbuds in my ears and moved up and away from him onto the sidewalk … I don’t have time for creepers.

Fergus stopped to take a poop and as I was searching through my purse for a baggie the creeper came over and started talking to me. I pretended I couldn’t hear/see him because of my earbuds and I bent down to pick up the poop.

Then he leaned into my line of sight and said “Excuse me. Do you have cancer?”

I pulled my earbuds out. “What?”
“Do you have cancer?”
“That’s a personal question. Why would you ask me that?”
“I noticed that you didn’t have any hair and I thought maybe you had cancer and I could help you…”

That’s when I bailed.

I heard all the alarm bells in my body going off and I quickly turned and walked away from him as fast as I could. WTF?

I moved to a part of the beach where there was more people and I waited for him to pass by me and get far enough ahead so that I wouldn’t catch up to him on the way back to the car.

Part of me was like “What a freak!” but the other part of me was like “Why didn’t you take a second to see what he was offering?”

Truth be told he triggered me. Many many moons ago I was robbed at gunpoint (I wrote about it in the intro to Vegan A Go-Go) and even almost 20ish years later I can feel unsafe and scared for my life in a heartbeat.

The way that guy reached into his pocket. The being alone with a stranger. The way he came into my personal space. He flipped that light switch in me. Trigger. Fear. I panicked and bolted.

It was probably for the best. I mean … I watched him walk around the parking lot from the safety of my car and he was obviously koo-koo but what if I had stood my ground for a few more seconds.

What if I hadn’t let fear propel me away. What if I had stayed and had a conversation with him? Maybe he would have knifed me to death … or maybe I would have met someone amazing.

Point is … because I slammed a door shut in his face – I didn’t let a new experience happen because and old experience made me fearful.

I drove past him on the way home and I ALMOST stopped the car to ask him why he wanted to talk to me about but then I realized that the big picture issue wasn’t about him. What was bothering me was the fear inside of me.

I’ve been in therapy on and off for more years than I can count. I’ve done art therapy, one on one therapy, group counseling, EMDR, etc etc etc. I haven’t been able to dig the fear out. I have so much fear inside my body. Not just from the robbery but from a lifetime of collecting various heartbreak, betrayal and trauma. We all have it to some degree – some more than others.

Mine? It lives deep deep deep inside me and I need to find a way to exorcise it…What does Dexter say? “The only way to kill a Dark Passenger is to take out the Driver.” Wait…Maybe a fictional serial killer isn’t the best person to quote … 🙂

How about Deepak instead? “Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”

Long story short … I’ve got some work to do.

This completely flattened me. 🙁

Hi Sarah,

I have your books and enjoy them, thanks muchos!!

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I just wanted to voice my complete shock with the LIMITED information on your app that I paid 4.99$ for, to add I normally neeeeeever pay for apps.

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I figured since it was a 5$ app, one of the most expensive out there, that it would provide me an number of recipes and ways to search for them.  In search I typed couscous and didn’t get a singel (sic) recipe, eggpland (sic) I was provided with one?

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I find with the expanse of your products the prices have gone way up and I am sensing a hint of greed.  I have downloaded other free apps that are a great deal more helpful, resourceful and contain much more info than yours.

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On your app there is a section informing of as to how we can buy your books, buy your products, learn about you?  If you’re promoting a vegan lifestyle why not incldue (sic) more recipes, some vegan facts and stats?

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I commend your vegan efforts and the work you do, I just feel it’s getting a bit egocentric and less about the food.
Thanks – D.

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Normally I don’t respond to jerks but …