Blerg…

I pretty much sob into Gerry’s chest at least once a day now. I feel bad for him … he comes home and I fall apart. I’m so sick of being sickly.

My anxiety seems to be getting worse too … maybe cause I’m so close to the end of the chemo and about to move into the next phase of treatment? Or maybe it’s just all getting to be too much.

3bbc927a257311e3bc9d22000a1fbcb9_7I’m so tired of all the appointments. The blood draws, the chemo, the waiting rooms. Mostly I’m so tired of being man-handled by nurses.

90% of them are lovely and amazing (especially over at the cancer center) but every once in a while you have a bad one and it’s emotionally exhausting.

I had another bone scan … I had my first bone scan 6 months ago and the doctor said there was something funny on my shoulder so this 2nd scan is just to double check that it was nothing.

Bone scans are easy except that you have to have a special shot and then wait 3 hours before you can do your scan. I requested that they do the shot though my port and it became a whole “thing”. Ugh.

I won’t bore you with the details but I will say that some nurses are better than others and this nurse I had was such a freak. Her energy was so frantic that it took all my strength not slap her in the face like Cher in Moonstruck.

I’m trying to stay positive about the scan but I’m finding the less energy I have … the more energy it takes to stay positive. Does that make sense? I should have the results on Monday. Cross your fingers.

20d4e4a2295711e39d9c22000ab69be4_8I’ve been trying to keep my spirits up by going outside. Now that the weather has shifted it’s so much easier to go out during the day. Gerry and I went for a long walk at the Kinsol Trestle.

I’m at my best when I’m in the woods walking around in my rubber boots in the rain. I told Gerry I feel like moving to a cabin in the woods and living like “Walter White”.

I am trying to be social but it hasn’t been easy … my energy is low. It’s hard to have a conversation with more than one person at a time. My right ear has been plugged for 10 days because of tension in my neck so it makes everything sound weird. Ugh. I’m having a hard time.

I keep in touch with friends mostly via text message. It’s the easiest way for me to stay in touch right now. I hope they understand. I know most of them do.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

cc8e0eb8264111e399ab123139137021_7A bright light for me this week was getting to see my friend Bif who was in town to do a show. I napped all day so I could have enough energy to see her. ๐Ÿ™‚

It was fun to watch her perform and we hung for a little bit after the show. She’s been such a cheerleader for me since the beginning of this cancer trip … keeps telling me “I can do it.

She understands more than anyone in my family/friend circle what I’m going through because she’s looking at it from the other side. Seeing her always gives me that extra push I need to stay positive and keep moving forward.

Speaking of friends/family circle … I’ve been surrounded by so much love the last couple of weeks. My Auntie Bonnie, Ann and Kimmee have been taking me to my appointments so Gerry can have a bit of a break.

Bonnie took me to my chemo.

15ac5f66262711e39ddb22000aeb1105_7

Bonnie

Ann took me to my blood appointment. We forgot to take a photo in the waiting room so we did one in my living room. Ha ha.

Ann

Kimmee took me to my chemo this week and we both wore our Fluevogs…

Kimmee

Poor Kimmee got an extra treat with my chemo this week … I ended up having a reaction to the Taxol. I’m not 100% sure it was the Taxol. I personally think it was a panic attack but the nurses think it was a Taxol reaction.

It was REALLY busy that day. Normally my chemo is scheduled around 3pm and that’s when things are winding down at the Cancer Center. For some reason this chemo was scheduled at 12:30 and the place was jumping. I was squished in between two other people and it as so tight that our chairs were touching. The room was hot. There was nowhere for the nurses to work and they kept having to swing my chair around. It was all very discombobulating.

My nurse this week was in a hurry and I could tell she was stressed/rushing a little … anyway she hooked me up and left and about 5 minutes into the Taxol (maybe even more like 3 minutes in) I started feeling weird and having chest pain/tightness.

Bless Kimmee. I told her what was happening and she jumped up and grabbed a nurse and they immediately stopped the Taxol and started flushing me with saline.

It was a whole production.

Meanwhile my chest was tight and felt uncomfortable … kind of like when I have a panic attack but also like before when I was doing the AC Chemo and my chest was really hurting.

So who knows … They talked to my oncologist and then put me BACK on the “pre-meds” (Dexamethazone/Benedryl). Once that was done they gave me my Taxol in small doses. Poor Kimmee. I told her we’d be there for an hour and a half but we didn’t get out of there till 4:30.

I HATE Dexamethazone. It makes me feel crazy. Like manic/hung over and it makes my body weak and shitty. The Benedryl makes me feel drunk. It’s awful. I almost started crying in the chemo center when they said they were going to put me back on the “pre-meds”.

Kimmee was great. She watched me sleep and drove me home … I barely remember walking to my front door. I fell into bed and had the Pre-Med nightmares. Seriously. The Dex/Benedryl give me the worst nightmares. I wake up moaning, scared. My body is quivering and my heart is in my throat. It’s a horrible feeling.

Long story short … the nurses think I’ll have to do “pre-meds” for my final 3 chemos. ๐Ÿ™

I have a doctors appointment on Monday and I’m going to BEG her to try the Taxol again without the pre-meds. I really think it was a panic attack. I don’t think I can handle 3 more weeks of feeling crazy from the pre-meds. Ugh.

It’s been a couple of weird stressful weeks but things are looking up. My friend Jen is coming to visit from Toronto. ๐Ÿ™‚

She gets here tonight and I can’t wait to see her!! We don’t get to see each other as much as I would like so now I get to have her all to myself (with no distractions) for 4 whole days Yippee!!

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27 Responses to Blerg…

  1. You’re doing great, even if you don’t feel like you are. Constant good vibes, thoughts, warmth coming your way, every day.

  2. Everything sounds sooo overwhelming… hang in there… I can relate on a minor level, having a MUCH LESS serious health issues for the past 6 months that has kept me from working and forced me to be a “patient”…. I can relate to so much of what you are saying… and when the “cure” makes you sick, it is so horrible… I’m glad you have people who support you.

  3. Kim says:

    Wow Sarah, I totally get how you feel. I was nine yrs post mastectomy and now I am back to getting a port next week and it`s back into chemo. I haven`t felt good since July and am also so sick of feeling sick. The chemo does mess with your head (which they never tell you) and my son took dex for asthma attacks and it makes you so crazy, he wouldn`t go to school at all while on it. I am trying to wrap my head around taking on this battle again but am struggling with it. It is now in my bones, left ovary and lungs. I am also taking cannibas oil in hopes my next bloodtest and scan can be showing it shrink or fingers crossed disappear. My fingers are crossed for you on monday, enjoy your weekend with your friend. I guess our bodies need so much rest to fight and recover we need to listen and take it as it comes.

  4. ann says:

    Love ya, babe. I hope Monday is good to you. As always, text me to see if I’m within hugging distance… xoxo
    ~a

  5. Sarah says:

    We are all here for you! Your feelings and headspace sound perfectly normal. While your are feeling weak and broken down now, in the long run you will be incredibly resilient and strong.

  6. Brian says:

    Sending you good vibes, Sarah!

  7. E says:

    Aww, I can relate to the crazy horrible RX drug trips. That stuff is intense. And I must agree with Bif, you can do it Sarah! Love love <3

  8. Kim L says:

    Sending you limitless love and patience! ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Nicole says:

    ahh…nothing quite as awful as someone poking a needle into your chest when you feel less than certain about their abilities. *hugs*

  10. Julie Hasson says:

    Sending you lots of love and hugs Sarah! : )

  11. Jen says:

    I don’t even know you, but have been a fan for years. Eliminate any expectations you have on your mind about what others might have or not have. You can be certain your friends DO understand keeping in touch by text, that you are exhausted because this fight takes more than 100% everything you have to give, and the human experience is different for every single one of us. You are generous to share your experiences with us. I have been picturing you bathed in healing white light, healthy and happy. Be patient with yourself, and kind to yourself too. Good luck on the test results. Many people love and care about you!

  12. sylvi says:

    You poor thing…lots of hugs, and a delicate little kiss on the cheek (don’t want to invade your cyber space). Just one moment at a time and you will get there. xxx

  13. Denise in ontario says:

    You are foing great! Its a hard road to travel but there is loght at the end of the tunnel! My favorite quote by winston churchil is “if you think your going through hell… Keep going!”

    Hugs!

  14. Faith says:

    I think you might have had a panic attack, but hey, you know your body better than anyone. Hang in there, Sarah.

  15. Maura says:

    From Italy with love.
    Carissima,
    you’re great, tears and fears included.
    Un abbraccio immenso (hugs and hugs),
    M

  16. Denise says:

    Sarah, you are making it through…it’s a living hell sometimes, but you are doing it and getting it done. I found I was most emotional at the end of Taxol and looking toward radiation. I cried and cried on the day I visited the Radiation Doctor. It is like you have run a marathon and they tell you that you have 15 more miles to go. The drugs do mess with your head. You described it well. You are doing this, you will finish this, and you will feel better! I promise. I just reached the 2 year mark post diagnosis this week. My mammogram of my lonely breast was CLEAR. YOU WILL DO THIS!! Sending hugs and love! Denise

  17. Amanda says:

    You also don’t know me (altho I briefly met you at the Boston Veg Fest years ago when you gave an awesome talk and gave out some very cool floating pens) but sending lots of love and positive energy your way. Your books were the very first vegan cookbooks that I bought after going vegan–they survived a divorce (I wasn’t going to let the ex get ’em!) and then when I met my sweetheart and realized that he is also a Sarah Kramer fan, then I had to say “this guy is a keeper!” We were then able to gift our extra copies when we combined households to my friend’s 13 year old daughter who is an aspiring vegan and thinks you are way cool. Our two year old little vegan wonder kid/tofu addict also loves your books..although she doesn’t get that they are recipe books yet, she loves to look at the pictures especially of Fergus while munching her “fufu” (her word for tofu). I can only hope that my rambling message can at least make you smile a little tonight as a small thanks for all the good you do and have done. Hope that your doc prescribed lots of snuggle time with Fergus and your sweetie to help you get through this rough week. Hugs from Boston.

  18. Kristel Jutte says:

    This is my first visit to your site/blog. I didn’t even know that you were going through this. (sorry!) I just want to send you lots of love from London, Ontario. Your books were, and still are, a huge inspiration to me and my family in our early vegetarian days and now vegan days. Love you lots. Stay strong!
    Hugs,
    Kristel

  19. Chris Powell, Nicole's mom says:

    Sending you strength, & courage and a million hugs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  20. Joke says:

    Sarah,
    Thank you for sharing your personal experience of the chemo treatment. You are 4/5 months “ahead” of my mom. She begins chemo next week or the week after.
    Your blog posts give me as a daugther somewhat an idea of what to expect the coming 1,5 years….
    Keep your head up, you can do this!

    Joke (The Netherlands)

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