Blerg…

I pretty much sob into Gerry’s chest at least once a day now. I feel bad for him … he comes home and I fall apart. I’m so sick of being sickly.

My anxiety seems to be getting worse too … maybe cause I’m so close to the end of the chemo and about to move into the next phase of treatment? Or maybe it’s just all getting to be too much.

3bbc927a257311e3bc9d22000a1fbcb9_7I’m so tired of all the appointments. The blood draws, the chemo, the waiting rooms. Mostly I’m so tired of being man-handled by nurses.

90% of them are lovely and amazing (especially over at the cancer center) but every once in a while you have a bad one and it’s emotionally exhausting.

I had another bone scan … I had my first bone scan 6 months ago and the doctor said there was something funny on my shoulder so this 2nd scan is just to double check that it was nothing.

Bone scans are easy except that you have to have a special shot and then wait 3 hours before you can do your scan. I requested that they do the shot though my port and it became a whole “thing”. Ugh.

I won’t bore you with the details but I will say that some nurses are better than others and this nurse I had was such a freak. Her energy was so frantic that it took all my strength not slap her in the face like Cher in Moonstruck.

I’m trying to stay positive about the scan but I’m finding the less energy I have … the more energy it takes to stay positive. Does that make sense? I should have the results on Monday. Cross your fingers.

20d4e4a2295711e39d9c22000ab69be4_8I’ve been trying to keep my spirits up by going outside. Now that the weather has shifted it’s so much easier to go out during the day. Gerry and I went for a long walk at the Kinsol Trestle.

I’m at my best when I’m in the woods walking around in my rubber boots in the rain. I told Gerry I feel like moving to a cabin in the woods and living like “Walter White”.

I am trying to be social but it hasn’t been easy … my energy is low. It’s hard to have a conversation with more than one person at a time. My right ear has been plugged for 10 days because of tension in my neck so it makes everything sound weird. Ugh. I’m having a hard time.

I keep in touch with friends mostly via text message. It’s the easiest way for me to stay in touch right now. I hope they understand. I know most of them do.  🙂

cc8e0eb8264111e399ab123139137021_7A bright light for me this week was getting to see my friend Bif who was in town to do a show. I napped all day so I could have enough energy to see her. 🙂

It was fun to watch her perform and we hung for a little bit after the show. She’s been such a cheerleader for me since the beginning of this cancer trip … keeps telling me “I can do it.

She understands more than anyone in my family/friend circle what I’m going through because she’s looking at it from the other side. Seeing her always gives me that extra push I need to stay positive and keep moving forward.

Speaking of friends/family circle … I’ve been surrounded by so much love the last couple of weeks. My Auntie Bonnie, Ann and Kimmee have been taking me to my appointments so Gerry can have a bit of a break.

Bonnie took me to my chemo.

15ac5f66262711e39ddb22000aeb1105_7

Bonnie

Ann took me to my blood appointment. We forgot to take a photo in the waiting room so we did one in my living room. Ha ha.

Ann

Kimmee took me to my chemo this week and we both wore our Fluevogs…

Kimmee

Poor Kimmee got an extra treat with my chemo this week … I ended up having a reaction to the Taxol. I’m not 100% sure it was the Taxol. I personally think it was a panic attack but the nurses think it was a Taxol reaction.

It was REALLY busy that day. Normally my chemo is scheduled around 3pm and that’s when things are winding down at the Cancer Center. For some reason this chemo was scheduled at 12:30 and the place was jumping. I was squished in between two other people and it as so tight that our chairs were touching. The room was hot. There was nowhere for the nurses to work and they kept having to swing my chair around. It was all very discombobulating.

My nurse this week was in a hurry and I could tell she was stressed/rushing a little … anyway she hooked me up and left and about 5 minutes into the Taxol (maybe even more like 3 minutes in) I started feeling weird and having chest pain/tightness.

Bless Kimmee. I told her what was happening and she jumped up and grabbed a nurse and they immediately stopped the Taxol and started flushing me with saline.

It was a whole production.

Meanwhile my chest was tight and felt uncomfortable … kind of like when I have a panic attack but also like before when I was doing the AC Chemo and my chest was really hurting.

So who knows … They talked to my oncologist and then put me BACK on the “pre-meds” (Dexamethazone/Benedryl). Once that was done they gave me my Taxol in small doses. Poor Kimmee. I told her we’d be there for an hour and a half but we didn’t get out of there till 4:30.

I HATE Dexamethazone. It makes me feel crazy. Like manic/hung over and it makes my body weak and shitty. The Benedryl makes me feel drunk. It’s awful. I almost started crying in the chemo center when they said they were going to put me back on the “pre-meds”.

Kimmee was great. She watched me sleep and drove me home … I barely remember walking to my front door. I fell into bed and had the Pre-Med nightmares. Seriously. The Dex/Benedryl give me the worst nightmares. I wake up moaning, scared. My body is quivering and my heart is in my throat. It’s a horrible feeling.

Long story short … the nurses think I’ll have to do “pre-meds” for my final 3 chemos. 🙁

I have a doctors appointment on Monday and I’m going to BEG her to try the Taxol again without the pre-meds. I really think it was a panic attack. I don’t think I can handle 3 more weeks of feeling crazy from the pre-meds. Ugh.

It’s been a couple of weird stressful weeks but things are looking up. My friend Jen is coming to visit from Toronto. 🙂

She gets here tonight and I can’t wait to see her!! We don’t get to see each other as much as I would like so now I get to have her all to myself (with no distractions) for 4 whole days Yippee!!

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