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MY FINAL POST

(I’m posting this mostly unedited, because I know that it was really important to her to communicate everything to you. She was working on this for the past couple weeks, even though she struggled either typing and maintaining focus during the last little while. She loves you all, that I know for sure – Geri)

My friends, I had my recipe wrong – for a long time!!!!

 

 

My whole life has been over-seasoned with a core belief that I wasn’t good enough. Not smart, too loud, too quiet, not pretty, yucky freckles, frizzy curly hair, I was too short, my body wasn’t the right shape, I was too weird, or overly confident and it came off as intimidating. bullheaded and bossy and yet also passive and vulnerable to the point where many people took advantage.

I felt that I was expected to be the one in charge , to do the emotional lifting for everyone, and make sure everyone’s plate was full before mine, and keep it all together for everyone else no matter the personal cost to me.

The truth is, I neglected to taste all of those ingredients together to make sure that my recipe was actually good.

Going to therapy, coupled with a recent understanding I was AuDHD made me really lean into my neurodivergence to discover my needs (plus taking adhd meds helped immensely and made a remarkable difference).

I also learned in therapy that I was in panic mode for most of my life and that many of my decisions were based in fear. I worked so hard in therapy for years to understand myself, my past, my grief, my desires and how to ask for what I want. I came to realize that a good majority of the pain I suffered in my past was connected to being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world.

BTW If you ever want to do something in my honour, go to therapy and dig in and do the hard work!

The one one ingredient that was perfect was when I met Geri. It was the first time I felt fully seen by someone.

She liked everything about me. Found all my quirks, insecurities , traumas, fears, and dreams intriguing. She was so into my every idea, and nurtured and encouraged all my creative curiosity. She loves me for exactly who I am and that gave me the confidence to find myself, nourish my personal needs and flourish.

She also gave me a safe place to express my queerness. I had been so bombarded with other people’s opinions about my expression my whole life that I just shut down much of my self in order to keep safe from scrutiny. She gave me the loving space to explore and be proud that I am trans non-binary, pansexual and helped me realize that I have been exploring and leaning into gender-fuckery my whole life.

But most importantly, through her own personal journey she showed me that it doesn’t matter what age you are, that you can always make radical positive shifts in your life.

To quote Hillel the Elder: “If not now, when?”

I don’t remember the exact moment I decided to be brave and give her my vulnerable heart but I do know that when I did my entire life shifted from black and white to full colour.

We have been a together side by side for over 30 + years. Not just in business or creative projects but in the way we built our life to suit our needs. We make all our decisions together as a team, to ensure that we are we are on the always on the same page and the little things don’t get in the way of us enjoying our time together.

We have had so many chapters in our years together and each one has been better than the last.

Recently we started working on an exciting new chapter which was to move back to our beloved downtown-core in Victoria and reconnect with our friends/community.

Invigorated by this new upcoming chapter, we had started working on a second season of our podcast Meet the Kramers, I was casually working on recipes for a new cookbook and we had just started preparing to sell the house in a few months and were already looking at condos in the city.

All I wanted for us was a balcony with a view of the sunset and the city at night, I got this damn brain tumor instead.

I wanted you all to know that your incredible donations and generosity during this time have taken so much pressure off my heart because I know that Geri will have now have the time and space to be able to grieve without the immense pressure of having to go back to work immediately in order to keep our beloved business up running. Your support has made me feel loved and cared for in a way that I didn’t expect.

My sweet Geri is taking a leave of absence but will be back to tattooing when she is ready, but I want to make clear that our shop is OPEN and running every day. We have a fantastic roster of talented tattooers available to tattoo you, so please help our artists thrive by booking a tattoo with them. (TattooZoo.net)

 

Tattoo Zoo is our pride and joy and has been a true labour of love.

We are proudly BC’s oldest trans/queer-owned shop and for over 20 years and have been serving our community with kick ass tattoos, and coverups of tattoos that don’t serve clients anymore, which allows them to reclaim autonomy of thier body.

We have worked so hard to ensure the shop is a protective space where clients can be confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm but for me – the most important thing we have done is mentor young artists to pursue their passion so that they can be skilled, confident and successful in all aspects of the business. Our goal with mentoring is to make positive lasting change to an industry that can be incredibly toxic and predatory.

Our shop has been a true labour of love and our greatest project and has been informed by how I grew up.

I have had such an interesting, fabulous life. I grew up on the floorboards of parents theater company The Globe Theater in Regina that is still going strong 60 years later. My dad instilled in me that creativity was paramount and cherished above all else creativity was the only way.

My parents were creative, sharing radical ideas through theater to illicit conversation and political change. Creativity cherished and nurtured and above all else that the arts change lives!!

My mum died suddenly and the whiplash of. That never left me. It’s so strange to be repeating but I’ve also been waiting for this moment my whole life.

I’m so grateful to live in Canada because my diagnosis is terminal, and I had chosen to use MAiD. We are not going to announce to everyone when I decide to move forward, as I am uncomfortable with the idea of giving you a countdown, and we all understand that this will happen sooner than later.

(She didn’t end up needing MAiD, her cancer progressed so rapidly at the end. But she never stopped talking about how ready she was, and how empowered the decision to use MAiD

made her feel. It truly is such a blessing to have a service like that in practice – Geri)

When the day comes, Geri and I have decided to just be together in our love bubble, like it’s been for the last 30 years.

She will send out a transmission to let everybody know.

By living my life saying “yes and”
I have had all kinds of adventure, and met so many different kinds of people, eaten so mcg good food and made new friends with like minded people everywhere I went . I don’t think there’s much I wish I’ve done but didn’t get a chance to do and that feels good. My hope is that I’m a wake up alarm for you to start doing the things they want do but always put off for later.

Lastly,

As there there are currently no plans for a memorial or end of life service as it’s not really my vibe, I believe that grief is a very personal, private processes so it’s up to you to find a way that works for you to move through your grief BUT I have made a playlist that I hope will be a contemplative tonic for you.

It should be played from start to finish (not on random or mixed with other music) and I love the idea of you integrating this playlist into your life somehow, while you make dinner for family, or hang on the porch with friends over a drink. Have it playing in the background during a potluck, or listen on a rainy day when you’re organizing your closet.

https://open.spotify.com/album/5ejL5NoRtasMA1e3znuIlQ?si=ih98_e08S_q9VUNrT8WgNQ

My last wish for all of you is that you find all the ingredients to make your life the most joyful delicious recipe for yourself, but please don’t forget to taste your dish every once in a while to make sure the ingredients work together and that everything is to your liking.

The best part of a recipe gone bad is you can always just toss it in the bin and start an again from scratch.

I want to tell you one of my favourite ingredients which is when I travel I go to the local art gallery and poke around and soak in all art. Then I head to the gift shop and buy myself a cool pair of earrings made by local artist. It’s a delicious way to spend the day. If you don’t wear jewelry maybe someone you know does and you can bring them home a little prezzie.

Make me proud by eating fresh fruit and veg every day and whenever you hear a Prince song, that’s me saying hi and reminding you to drink some water.

xoxo

SARAH

Top 5 fav movies

Wizard of Oz

Rocky horror

Corrina, Corrina

Hedwig and The Angry Inch

Purple Rain

Top 5 fav books I read over and over

Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto

Microserfs by D. Coupland

Life after God by D. Coupland

The number 3 has been a magical number for me for my entire life. Good, bad, or weird things always happen to me in 3’s. I personally believe that you don’t have a true collection of tchotchkes unless you have three of them, and that 3 tacos are the perfect amount, and then there’s always been the trio of Heidi, Geri, and me.

We spent a couple/three years living together as a little family off and on during young Heidi’s early life, where Geri and I tailored our lives to meet Heidi’s needs at the time.

We took our job as aunties very seriously, and Geri and I talked often during that time about how to make a soft, safe space for them, no matter what else was going on outside of our little bubble.

I had a video camera, and I have hours and hours of incredible footage of us together. I just finished digitizing them not too long ago, and Heidi was able to look back at what that time together was like.

When Heidi was born, I was still filled to the brim with the grief of losing my mum so suddenly when I was 10, but when they arrived, I realized that my grief was in the way of bonding with this precious little nugget. I tapped into my mum’s parenting style to find my way. Mum was endlessly interested in my ideas, listened with curiosity and delight, and encouraged and nurtured my creativity by offering me safety to explore. But what I felt the most was unconditional love.

My grief from losing my Mum at 10 years old is still to this day always evolving, and what I’ve learned is that grief is not something you get over. There’s no time limit. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it’s choppy and overwhelming, but you can’t ignore it or stuff it down. You have to feel it all.

Heidi came out to visit immediately after my diagnosis, but I was on a full dose of dexamethasone, and it made me manic, plus I was in panic mode. I had only been out of the hospital a few days, and when I think back to their visit, I can barely remember. I even had Heidi and Geri tell me the chain of events from when they were here, and it’s just a blur.

Heidi came back for a second visit once things had mellowed out, and having them here was just what  I needed.

We did what we normally do, which is talk about everything, eat good food, and laugh a lot.

Heidi and I went through my closet because I thought some of my shoes and clothing might fit them.

They said, “Auntie, none of these are going to fit me; we have radically different bodies,” but magically everything fit perfectly!

It’s like we’re frickin twins. Watching them try on things from my closet, look in the mirror, and do a little euphoric dance because they found stuff they liked was such a beautiful healing tonic for me. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of them walking around in my shoes, having adventures.

At one point, we were talking about some of the things we wanted to do before they left to go home, and they put their hand on my knee and said, “Auntie, you are doing too much.” It grounded me immediately. They were right. I always try and stuff as much fun into our visits as possible because our time is always so limited, and it helped me remember that this time, this moment, all we had to do was just be together, jibber-jabbing, talking about life and every single thought that bubbled into our brains, like we’ve done since they were a wee kidlet.

And then we decided to get matching tattoos. Ha ha ha.

Heidi, Geri, and I all got the number 3 tattooed on us, and I tried to tattoo Geri, but my brain gets overloaded so easily that concentrating on making a line was impossible, so I did three wiggly lines, I tapped out, and Geri finished for me.

Heidi is my baby, my twin, my best friend, and someone I very much admire as a human. Smart, capable, loving, grounded, and an excellent communicator. They are also the coolest person I know.

Being their auntie is the most rewarding and heart-expanding thing I’ve done in my life, and I’m so grateful I get to spend this little bit of extra time I’ve been gifted with my Heidi.

3… It’s the magic number.

Marla Rose wrote this beautiful article and it’s brought a lot of comfort to my friends and family. You can read it HERE.

Hi friends,

I hope you’re sitting down. I have some really bad news. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

Sarah is the great love of my life. And saying that feels as though it isn’t enough. She’s the single best thing that has ever happened to me, and I can’t imagine what my life would look like without her.

Sarah was diagnosed on Monday with an incredibly aggressive form of brain cancer. She has a large mass in her brain called glioblastoma. It is incurable. It is very unlikely that she will live past April. And to make matters worse, as though there’s any way things could be worse, I am freshly out of recovery from my own surgery. I have just barely been back to work and I don’t think we can manage this financially at all.

Sarah has had an enormous impact on so many people with her cookbooks, her breast cancer outreach, and her general demeanour. She’s just such a bright light of joy in this world. It’s my hope that all the people who’s lives she has positively affected will find it in their hearts to make a small donation towards the costs of our lives as we navigate this time together.

Donating to me will hopefully allow me to be able to spend as much time as possible with her, helping her live out her final days with grace and dignity.

I know it’s asking a lot of everyone, especially in this world we’re all living in – but I can’t help but be hopeful that we can come together and help this one beautiful person that we all love so she can have a comfortable and cared for last days on earth. I’ll do my best to keep everyone updated.

Thank you so much,

The Kramers

Hell… I fell UP the stairs the other day but I’m here!

On the flip side, my beautiful Geri has been by my side for 29 of my birthdays!! I can’t imagine how I would have survived this life without her by my side. There are also my friends and family (and internet friends like you) that simply accept the numerous changes and shifts in my life, rather than attempting to cage me in. You all love and accept me for the neurodivergent weirdo that I am, which provides me with a safe place to be my authentic self.

Long story short – I want you to know that on the other side of this hill, everything feels good. I’m still here!

This photo of Geri from a Tough As Nails show popped up in my memories and reminded me of something today…

Our roots are steeped deeply in punk rock. It’s where as young queer teens that Geri and I found solace, support and our core values.

Taught us to follow our beliefs and to be open to learn about others. It’s where our DIY entrepreneurial fearlessness comes from. Our knowledge that our strength comes from community! It taught us to flout gender norms and create spaces to be open and available to everyone (except nazis).

It taught us about tenacity and problem solving and gave us a way to walk through the world knowing that even though we were different – that didn’t mean we couldn’t make a difference.

Most importantly it gave us the freedoms to create. That creativity in all forms is our life’s blood and to always be creating.

How lucky am I that I get to do all that with my best friend and business partner Geri (photo posted with permission)

I realized I didn’t give some of you enough information.   🙂
I’m out of blogging practice.

I am taking Strattera every single day. My doctor recognized that I am very stimulant sensitive. I’m very sensitive to all medications (if someone is going to have a side effect – it will be me) and things like I can’t drink coffee or I explode is a good indication as well. LOL

She tried me on a child’s dose of Strattera and then we slowly bumped it up. The first thing I noticed about 30 min after taking my pill was that it felt like my brain would “click” and then everything would get REAL quiet. She said that was a good indication that it was working for me.

I have to take these meds with food or it gives me a bad stomachache so I make sure to have a good dense breakfast – usually All Bran type cereal (to help offset constipation).  🙂

The first 3 weeks were hard because it created panic attacks (a side effect) but I’ve had lots of previous experience with panic so I know how to calm my nervous system down. Once the 3 weeks passed – the panic attacks got a lot better. I do notice that they can flare up easily when my adrenaline gets spiked so I just have to be aware and take good care of myself if it happens.

And I know I don’t need to say this – but everyone is different and everyone’s needs are different – so what worked for me might not work for you.  🙂

Is it just me or did Instagram kill having a blog?
BTW This is my Instagram!  🙂

I’m such a visual person and I love expressing myself and what my day is like through photos and I find it difficult to update my blog via my phone so I just never sit down at my computer do it because having a phone in my hand has kind of killed me using my computer! Oy vey.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel the gumption to get back to blogging again.

Did I tell you that I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD? Being on medication has been a game changer because I no longer have a cacophony of sounds and thoughts rattling around in my brain all at once. It’s just so quiet in there now. LOL

I can sit still.
I can be more present and in the moment.
I can read again.
I can focus on one thing at a time – actually what I mean by that is that I am better at creating boundaries for myself around doing one thing at a time.
I have better boundaries. 🙂
I feel level.
I don’t spin out as much.
I feel more confident about myself.
I feel less tired because my brain doesn’t have to do all this extra work to present “normal”.

Taking meds has been a pretty positive experience. The first 3 weeks of taking the medicine was uncomfortable (side effects) but then things leveled out and now the only major side effect I have is constipation but I remedy that with a little extra fiber in the morning and I’m good to go.

The only downside so far is that because of my better boundaries around how many “spoons” I have in a day – is that I don’t have ten little projects all going at once so I sometimes feel like I’m not as productive.

It’s been a brain shift to not be down on myself for not being as “productive” because in actual fact – when I do focus on one project at a time – that project gets done with much more precision, and thoughtfulness and is completed in a timely manner.

I wish I had explored my diagnosis sooner. I had a few weeks of real grief about what my life could have been like if I had been diagnosed earlier. I was a child of the 70’s/80’s and nobody was talking about this stuff. Plus – fems present differently than masc humans so it probably wasn’t evident to anyone what was going on.

I will tell you that a lot of SHAME around school and how poorly I did – disappeared once I was diagnosed. I had a lightbulb go off with my diagnosis and realized it wasn’t my fault that I was struggling in school – I am neurodivergent and I wasn’t being supported properly. So… C’est la vie. When you know better – you do better. 🙂

How are you?

Holy wow.
I have not updated this website in a while!! LOL
I am doing a “Dry January”. No phone. No social media. No reels. No scrolling. Hoping to reset my creativity! I don’t know about you but since the pandemic hit – I have been really doomscrolling on the phone to the point of making my mind into mush. It must be a self-soothing thing …

I have a few updates:

*kathy photoshopped in because she wasn’t there for the photo

1. Dec 31st was my last day doing the @officialgogos social media. I’ve been doing it for almost 13 years! 📆

I’ve loved this band since I first saw them on American Bandstand in 1981. It has been incredible to get to know the band members, their families and the crew. I was trusted to be backstage and to know details about how the sausage is made behind the scenes🤪 and I have so many special memories.

I am so proud of the work I’ve done for them over the years. Also big kiss to Anthony and Arnold for collaborating with me behind the scenes. And to all the fans that I interacted with via socials. I have met so many special people through this experience.

To be the voice of the band via the social media took a lot of creativity and thoughtful work and I loved every second of it. 🥰 Thank you Jane, Kathy, Char, Belinda and Gina for all the fun!

My sister from another mother 🙂

2. Yesterday was also my last day being @janewiedlin right-hand gal. 😭 I’ve been working for Jane as a personal assistant in some capacity or another for 15 years (maybe more) and it’s been so much fun.

Jane is exactly as she is in interviews. Funny, thoughtful, endlessly creative and has an incredible eye for detail. Plus she’s sweet as heck!! She trusts me with her social media, website, etc., and it means a lot. Having someone’s trust is a big deal to me. 🥰

Jane brought me into the GG’s fold and gave me many incredible opportunities to expand my horizons. It’s wild to think that we’ve been able to work together all these years and be in completely different countries – but we made it work.📱 My proudest part about this job is that we have been able to raise thousands of dollars selling Jane’s stage-wear/memorabilia for the various animal rescue groups she works with. It’s been a true labour of love. 🐶😻 I love you, Sweet Jane. Thanks for all the fun.

3. As I write this – I am on day 2 of not looking at my social media. Yesterday was so weird – I kept unconsciously picking up my phone and looking at it for no reason. At one point I found myself scrolling through FB and I have no recollection of opening my phone. The addiction is REAL!

The Kramers

In other news – My parents came over for a few days and we had a lovely visit. They have been cleaning out their library/office and brought over 27 boxes of books. I counted them all and it’s 752 books!! My upstairs loft/landing is FULL of books. Someone told me that you only need 1000 books to officially be considered a “library”. Ha ha ha.

I have no idea what I am going to do with these books – but I know I am going to enjoy a distraction-free month of January looking through and organizing them.

Some I will donate, some I will read and pass on and some are treasures of the past that I can’t wait to relish.

How’s your 2023 going so far?

HI PALS!!
I have been practising yoga with Ty Chandler since I finished cancer treatment in 2014. I can’t even begin to tell you how much her class has brought back my strength, flexibility, stamina and given my wandering brain a place to focus.

The thing I love the most about Iyengar yoga is the structure. I’ve learned so much about my body and alignment and now that I’m on the other side of recovery – Ty’s classes have helped me challenge my body to new heights.

Sometimes during class, I will find myself upside down and marvelling at my new found strength.

One of the silver linings of this pandemic is that Ty started teaching via zoom and her classes have been my saving grace during this stressful time.

Since the classes are on Zoom they are now accessible to ANYONE anywhere. The best gift I have given myself during Covid is to spend time on the mat with Ty.

Visit: tychandleryoga.com for more information.