The other night I couldn’t sleep and I was trolling Etsy … and found these ADORABLE vegan tank tops!!
Heather sent me an extra tank top and because I love you guys so much I’m going to give it away on the blog. 🙂
Now how can you win this tank? Leave your name and e-mail contact info in the comments section by midnight tonight and I’ll draw at random tomorrow.
The tank top is an American Apparel Large (which always run a little small). Check out Heather’s store HERE.
I hate to do it but I have to sell my Hans Olsen Frem Røjle table.
I’ve put it up on Used Victoria but if there’s anyone out there in cyberspace who wants it … send me a message and we can figure out shipping. 🙂
I’ve had some low points this week …
At one point I was laying exhausted on the dining room floor watching Gerry make me dinner and trying to hide the fact that I was crying because I was so overwhelmed with love and sorrow.
It’s so amazing to me that after 17+ years of marriage he still makes my heart flutter when he walks in the room. Watching him make me dinner made my heart melt with love and then it was flooded with sorrow because I couldn’t get up off the floor and help.
Gerry looked at me and sweetly said “You have to stop crying so I can make dinner. All I want to do is hug you.”
I sobbed “I don’t know if I can do this. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a mountain looking up and I’m so overwhelmed.”
Then like magic I got a text from my best-bestie. She said “Don’t look up. Don’t look down. Just straight ahead. Just be in this thing right now … You are so loved. Let it fuel you.”
It was exactly what I needed to get off the floor and try and get some food into me. What do I need right now? RIGHT NOW? I need food. Fuel. Feed me.
I was able to get a green smoothie with some protein powered in me. It wasn’t easy … the protein powder was too sweet and the smell almost made me barf but I choked it down and my body was so happy. My body responded by feeling better and then I was able to give it more.
Last night we ate vegan hot-dogs and had a small green salad. I was SO HAPPY to get food into me that I lifted my arms in the air and “raised the roof”. It might not have be the “best” or the “cleanest” food … but it was something for my stomach to chew on and my body was happy for the sustenance.
This morning I woke up and I feel 97% normal again. I actually might get dressed today. Whoo doggy. I think I’ve taken a turn for the better.
Chemo day was a busy one …
We had an appointment at the Surgeon to talk about me getting a port at 10:15. We were 10 minutes early and didn’t get into to see the doctor until 11:25. How can you be that far behind that early in the morning. Ha ha.
It was SO boring that Gerry and I started poking around the exam room… 🙂
We talked Port. I bruise so easily from needles/IVs. I showed him a photo of what happened to my arm when I had my CT scan. If you want to read about what a Port is go HERE.
He agreed to put a request in for the procedure as soon as possible so my surgery date for my port is on Friday. I’ll be like The Borg. Resistance is futile!!
We were so LATE for our next appointment which was with a therapist at the Cancer Center. We sat and talked with her about our lives and my diagnosis and about how we were dealing with everything and then she fired us. Ha ha. She told us we were doing great and that she didn’t think we needed to see her … but that we could call her anytime if we felt we needed someone to talk to. 🙂
Then it was time for lunch. Gerry had packed a little picnic and we sat in the shade of a Japanese Maple in front of the Cancer Center and tried to relax a little before the big procedure.
Then it was time … we were greeted by a lovely nurse who went over everything with me including exactly what they were going to do, my medications, etc etc.
And then she started …
I am trying to think of the chemo as scrub brushes. 
The go in – they do their job – and then I flush them out by drinking fluids. 🙂
The nurse loved my shoes… she said “I see you’re wearing your power shoes today”. Ha ha. She was right. That’s exactly why I wore them.
I wrapped myself in my chemo cape that my dear friend Dungaree Dolly made for me and tried my best to relax. The appointment took about 1.5 hours. The actual chemo was about 45 minutes … as I sat there I could feel myself turning gray.
I got a crazy headache and started to feel like I was getting a head-cold. All normal symptoms said my nurse. Great. 🙁
After the chemo I went out into the parking lot and danced a little jig. ONE DOWN! Three more big ones to go.
This is how my chemo is going to work. I am doing 4x of the big chemos (now only 3) and each of those are 3 weeks apart. Then I move to do 12 chemos (once a week) but they say that chemo is easier to take. Fingers crossed they are right because this first chemo was BRUTAL!
The first day wasn’t so bad. I felt kind if sickly but I managed to make my way through the day by eating Popsicle…
And drinking green smoothies.
My cheeks were burning RED from the medications that it actually made my freckles pop out. I swear I didn’t have this many freckles the day before … is that possible?
I slept a lot. That kind of helped …
But the other days (I’ve lost track of time) I felt so sick that I called the nurse hotline to ask about what I could do. She told me to take my “rescue” pill every 4 hours which is supposed to help me with the nausea. And it kind of does … but it also made me into a raving lunatic.
I seriously went manic.
It was like I had eaten an entire chocolate bar chased down with a cup of coffee. I couldn’t sit still. Lay still. Stand still. Walk still. I looked like a crazy junkie zombie …
It. Was. Awful.
I called the hotline again and she said “Oh that can sometimes happen with that medication. It can cause restlessness/agitation. Are you feeling manic? If you are stop taking it and take a Gravol instead.”
I’m really trying to get on board with this Western Medicine shit but episodes like this make me feel like they have no clue what they’re doing. 🙁
It was insane … I can’t even explain how horrible it felt. I was crying and laughing and acting like Carrie from Homeland.
Thankfully the Gravol kicked in and I slept for 2 hours and am slowly starting to feel better.
The feeling shitty is something I can handle but the nausea is really hard. I love food and I have no desire to eat. I have set a timer on my phone and am trying to eat a little something every hour. Right now all I can do is white rice and potato chips. What? This is not how I like to eat… I eat clean! Come on body!
Last night I was able to eat a fruit salad and some coconut yogurt. Yipeee. The nausea comes and goes in waves. It’s a nausea roller coaster.
Yes I know about Mary Jane. I have a card to a compassion club and I brought home a few “goodies” to help me through all this but the smell. Ugh. The smell of anything M.J. makes me want to barf. Ginger has helped … Any other nausea tips?
I’m trying to keep up my fitness. I have an elliptical in my office and I can barely do 3 minutes. It’s crazy how weak I am right now … I’m still walking the dog every morning/evening with Gerry but even going up the stairs of our condo is difficult. Crazy!
I haven’t even told you about the day I closed the store. It was a wonderful day full of visits from friends and probably one of my busiest days I’ve had since I opened. Thank you all so much for coming down to shop and for shopping online. It helped me reduce my stock by quite a bit.
My sweet parents came into town to help me to close up shop. At 5pm they helped me paper up the store and I closed the doors. I can’t even really write about it because it makes me so sad.
Everything is just sitting there waiting for me … I’m going to start packing everything up next week to put into storage.
UGH! FUCK MY LIFE! This cancer is bullshit! 🙁
Back to bed with me … I am like a weak little kitten. Time to rest.
… gone tomorrow! I had quite a hair odyssey today. 🙂
First thing in the morning I went over to my friend (and hairdresser) Leah’s house so she could do an “up-do” before I lose all my hair to chemo.
Leah (who works at Lab Salon) helped me grow my hair out from shaved head to what you see today. Growing out curly hair is NOT easy and she made it lots of fun.
So this morning I sat on her porch while she curled, backcombed and beat my curly hair into submission and I walked out of her house looking like Joan from Mad Men!
Then I had to run to my Doctors office for a quick meeting to talk about my “green card” which will allow me to get medical marijuana products while I go through chemo. I called my friend Kimmee in a panic and asked if she could come with me (as she is much more knowledgeable about this stuff than me) and she dropped everything she was doing so she could come to the Doc’s with me. That’s the sign of a true best friend… 🙂
After the docs Kimmee and I had a nice lunch and went to the CBC of Canada to talk about Cannabis. Wow… that was an education. There is so much to learn …
After that I ran around town doing errands to get ready for my first chemo tomorrow. UGH! Is it almost chemo day already??
Came home and took all the bobby pins out of my hair. So many bobby pins … they were making my head hurt. My hair looks hilarious when it’s all brushed out. Everyone says I look like Tina Fey when it’s like this.
I washed my hair and everything bounced back to curly. Straight hair is not for me. 
After dinner Gerry and I decided to chop my hair. I put the longer sections into pony tails so I could send them to be made into wigs and then Gerry pulled out the clippers and shaved my head.
All of a sudden … it was gone. 🙂
What is this? 1999 again?? I look like a much older/wiser/happier version of the girl on the cover of How It All Vegan. Ha ha.
I’m ready for tomorrow. Let’s do this.
I only have FIVE pink limited edition Dandies Marshmallow totes left!!
Spend $100 or more in my online store and get a free tote (while supplies last). 🙂
The amazing folks at Chicago Vegan Foods aka Dandies Marshmallows wanted to produce a special limited edition “pink” tote bag to help me raise $$ for the store/bills.
AND THE BAGS JUST ARRIVED!
Are they freaking cute or what??
I will be giving one of these away to every customer who purchases $50 or more at the store (either online or in person). While supplies last. 🙂
Get your shop on HERE. Fergus not included with purchase …
Well… I asked for it! 🙂
I asked for you guys to help me reduce my store stock before I close the doors on Sarah’s Place on Saturday June 1st and you have extended your helping hand in the form of a crazy amount of online orders.
You guys RULE!! I can not ever explain how grateful I am for your orders, your love and support. 🙂
Today starts the last week of Sarah’s Place (the retail store) being open … and I am so sad about closing it’s doors but I know I made the right decision to put myself first and to be “self-full”.
One of my favourite parts of the store is all the visitors. I get to meet so many people from far and wide who come to town to visit me or who stumble on the shop by happenstance. However you find me … it’s always neat to find out more about you and talk about all things vegan. I’m going to miss that “in the room” daily interaction with you very much.
And to my regular customers … oh how I’ll miss you. Many of you have morphed from customers into friends and I am going to miss you “popping” by to see me but we do live in sleepy Victoria. I’m sure I’ll bump into you somewhere … : )
So … I have one more week of Sarah’s Place …after that we move all the remaining stock into my guest bedroom and I will keep the online store going as best I can.
I still have A LOT of stock left. I have a large quantity of BACON HAD A MOM kids shirts that I’d like to unload. —->
I also have a ton of books! I know I don’t have Amazon prices … but if you order a book I’ll throw in some extra treats for you. Stickers/buttons and maybe a love-note. 🙂
Ok Monday … let’s DO THIS!
Here’s the latest news: We went to see the Oncologist at the BC Cancer Center. It’s what we thought … they want me to do chemo + radiation. Ugh.
The pathology doesn’t lie. It’s a numbers game. On my Mother’s side of the family there is ovarian and colon cancer. On my Dad’s side of the family there is fallopian cancer. Add a dash of Ashkenazi Jew and what all that means is that my genetics are bad and the scariest part was that my tumor was going for it. I mean really going for it … it had moved into my lymphatic system and was starting to sprout legs.
We got to it just in time…
Because of all these bad genes and that the recurrence rate for me is high – I’m doing chemo. One of my readers Denise left this comment about chemo and I thought it perfectly explained why we decided to move forward with chemo:
“Cancer is like a dandelion plant that has gone to seed. Through surgery, they remove the dandelion plant. However, it is unknown how many seeds have spread throughout the body as the wind blows it where it wills. Chemotherapy is like the weed killer.”
My chemo starts June 4th. I’ll lose all my hair 2-3 weeks after chemo starts so get ready for some instagram photos of that process. 🙂 Actually I’m going to cut it all off and donate as much of it as I can to a place in Ontario that makes wigs for kids.
But that’s not the big news. The big news is that I’m closing my store.
It’s been agony trying to decide what to do. I think I’ve cried more tears about closing my store then about all this cancer stuff but bottom line is I can’t manage it all.
This isn’t a decision I’ve come to lightly. I’ve had a lot of offers for help, for volunteers for fundraisers but here’s what it boils down to. I have 7+ months of chemo and 5 weeks radiation ahead of me and that takes me into 2014.
Sarah’s Place takes a lot of time and energy. There is SO MUCH that goes on behind the scenes that makes the store look effortless. I know it looks like I sit behind my desk and hang out with people all day… 🙂 but if you had any idea of the work I do when nobody is around you wouldn’t volunteer to help. It’s a LOT of work.
And chemo is not just a day of chemo then a few days of feeling crappy … It’s check-ups and blood-tests and bone scans and picking up prescriptions and in between all the medical stuff I want to try and have a normal life where I can have time to do things for my body that promote health and happiness as well as to relax and to have fun with my husband and Fergus.
I just can’t manage it all …
When I went to therapy the other night to talk about my anxiety over whether or not to close the store – my therapist said something that made a light go off for me. “Do you want to spend your limited amount of energy resources you’ll have during your chemo experience – running around taking care of your store? Or do you want to use that energy to take care of yourself?”
Well … I choose me.
As much as I want this cancer story to be about how I triumphed over everything and showed the world how I can “do it all” despite the cancer … that’s not fair to me. It’s too much pressure.
I’ve spent so much of my life PUSHING things forward. Whether it be working on the cookbooks, the iphone app, doing websites for me or other people, helping my husband run his tattoo shop, running my own shop. I NEVER STOP WORKING. Like ever. Even when I’m on holiday I’m usually doing something work related.
I’ve worked at a frenzied pace like this for too many years and it’s time to stop … Cancer is my chance to press the pause button and just focus on one thing. Me.
RETAIL STORE:
June 1st will be Sarah’s Place (the retail store) last day open. Please come shop at my store this week. Come buy my stock-up. The less stock I have to take home the better!! Either in person or online. I have many bills to pay and vendors to pay-out.
ONLINE STORE:
I will keep the online store going out of my house as best I can… If you live in Victoria use the code: FREESHIPPING and it will then be processed and taken down to Tattoo Zoo (1215 Wharf Street) for you to pick up. If you live outside of Victoria – please shop online and I’ll pack it up and Gerry will post it in the mail for you the next day. 🙂
I wish I had better news for you guys. It’s a big fucking bummer … but there are some bright spots:
#1. More time for Fergus photos on Instagram 🙂
#2. Self-care. I am taking care of myself. Putting myself first. Being “self-full” is a good thing. I am using this time to focus on my body and my mental health and I will be able to be strong, present and ready for the task at hand.
#3. I’m not dying. 🙂 This is preventative chemo – to make sure every last little cancer cell has been wiped out. I’m looking at it like a computer re-boot. We have to wipe my hard-drive of any trace of the virus so I can be re-started good as new.
#4. What a learning experience this store has been. And I’m already looking forward. Past the chemo. Already daydreaming about what’s after chemo. Whatever that is – I know it’s going to be amazing because of what I’ve learned from running Sarah’s Place the last couple years… but saying good-bye to this store is going to be really hard. 🙁
In July 2011 when I cut the ribbon and opened the doors to the public… I didn’t know what would happen. Would people come shop at this weird little boutique?
My nervousness quickly morphed into gratitude because as soon as I opened the doors – we were flooded with customers. I thought I’d get through my first year of business by the skin of my teeth but instead my store took off like a rocket and that’s because of you guys. 🙂
I can’t thank you all enough for your support. Sarah’s Place was an incredible success from the get-go because of your enthusiasm. I could not have done any of this without you.
I’m so proud of us. 🙂
I do also need to thank the staff at Market Square where my store is located. The people who run this complex are top-knotch and have been very supportive of me since the beginning. Big ups to them!!
So that’s the plan for now … I’m feeling bitter/sweet about having to close the retail store but knowing you’re all out there pulling for me makes me feel like I can do anything! 🙂
Love you guys.
I’ve been a fan of Ryan and T.O.F.U. Magazine for a long time. If you click HERE you can see why. 🙂
The kindness of Ryan… there are no words to explain. Just deep gratitude.
