Let it flow. Let yourself go…

As soon as I started to feel better from Chemo #1 and recovered from my port surgery … I started going down to the store and slowly packed up.

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So much stuff. Holy crap. So many fiddly bits to put away. I was going to move all my merchandise to my house and set it up in my office and try and keep the online store going but I filled a few new online orders during the week and found it all very overwhelming. I decided to close the online store temporarily until we get over the hump of this heavy chemo and then we’ll see how it goes. Thank you for understanding. 🙂

Moving the store into storage was easy thanks to my dear sweet friends. I facebooked that we needed help and this manly motley crew showed up the next morning and had me moved out/moved into storage in under 2 hours. I could not be more thankful to these wonderful friends of mine.  🙂

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And then it was done.

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I’m really sad to say good-bye but thrilled to announce that my dear friend Honor is moving her jewelery store ADORE into my space in July. She’s a perfect fit for the location and she sells gorgeous locally made jewelry. Next time you’re bumping around downtown go visit her. 🙂

So with the store packed up and put away … my hair also decided to pack-it in! I’ve been losing hair for a little while but one day I woke up and my pillow and towels were COVERED in sparkly silver stubble. It was driving me crazy… so itchy. Like after you get a haircut and your clothes are full of hair-slivers.

Gerry suggested we see if we could gently pull it out with packing tape and it worked! Holy cow. Was it ever easy to pull out …

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Suddenly I was Lady Lex Luthor! 🙂

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A few days later and it was time for chemo #2 and I kind of melted down…

What a whirlwind. Closing the store. Doing surgery/healing from the port surgery. Dealing with how hard chemo #1 was. My dear friends Dad is sick with a sudden diagnosis of cancer. A close family member is also dealing with cancer. Another friends brother died suddenly. Another friend had major surgery. It feels like Armageddon right now and I’m trying not to stress out too much but just go with the flow… but the universe is not making it easy.

I bawled my face off the day before chemo. Gerry and I even had a weird fight and we never fight. There was so much stress in my body from the last month of everything … that I just lay on the couch and blubbered it all out.

Chemo #2 is more scary then #1 because now I know what it’s like … Had a long talk with my oncologist and they are switching me to a different fancy-pants anti-nausea med. It’s like the Cadillac of nausea meds. Fingers crossed it works better.

I think the thing I was the most upset about was the fact that I had to miss out on my niece Heidi’s 18th birthday and her graduation from highschool. I was planning on flying out to Winnipeg to celebrate and obviously this cancer business got in my way. My family sent me tons of photos from the event but I still feel heartbroken about missing it. I’m so proud of her … 🙂

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But bawling my face-off really helped to release all that tension because I woke up the next day feeling stronger and ready to take on the day. I wore my favourite Fluevog shoes and went in ready to do #2.

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We also did the chemo through my port and it was much easier to take in…

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After chemo I was feeling well enough to run a few errands. We popped into the v-cbc.ca and picked up some “items” to help me with the nausea. Also stopped into the BC Smoke Shop to pick up a vapor apparatus to help me consume these “items”.  🙂

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Came home and took a long post-cancer nap … holy cow it was a deep nap. I had a dream that my face was made out of pancakes and Fergus was trying to eat my face. Weird!

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I woke up still feeling bummed out that my chemo date was messing with my social calendar. I also had to miss the Serena Ryder show… my friend Hill is playing with her and I haven’t seen her in ages and I was really excited to see her but unfortunately my chemo coincided with her show.

But Hill and Serena sent me love-notes via text messages. Made me so happy … almost as good as seeing them in person.  😉

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It’s been a really stressful month and I’m so thankful to all my friends for kicking in and helping to make things easier. I’m trying to remember to let it flow. Let myself go. …Slow and low that is the tempo. 🙂

 

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12 Responses to Let it flow. Let yourself go…

  1. Candyce says:

    <3 <3 <3

  2. Scott Spitz says:

    Thanks for sharing this. I go in for my second treatment in a week and I’m already freaking out too….I really don’t want to repeat the vomiting I had the first night, and it sounds like you suffered from that too. My nausea meds fixed everything the next day and I hope yours do too. I’m glad to see your state (I think) is permissive with “alternative treatments” because mine is NOT. I’m seeing about flying under the radar on that one. Anyways, I have a feeling the process and internalizing of it will get easier as the treatments become more familiar….at least I hope that is the case for you (and me). Good luck!

  3. Amanda says:

    Sending you all the Reiki love and Regular love I can! I am just so amazed at how honest and genuine you are about this process…I think you will help a lot of people going through the same thing. As crappy as it is that you missed out on some big things, you will have lots of time to make up for it all later <3

  4. maria says:

    All the hugs to you, Sarah, and everyone else here who is going through this.

    I wish you all the best.

  5. Ilana says:

    I’m sorry for how much you’re dealing with. I can’t imagine that sort of heavy emotional and physical burden while having treatment. I had an epic amount of stress when I got diagnosed but am lucky enough to have family and friends who helped me through, not to mention an incredibly understanding boss. I have a tough time accepting help (I’m the competent one around here, people!) and it has been a humbling and wonderful experience to let others do for me.

    I had my first FEC yesterday and cleverly waited until I was getting my premeds to have my epic meltdown. My husband’s head was in his book (to his credit, he’s usually pretty attuned to this stuff) but luckily my favorite chemo nurse saw it coming and spent 15 minutes calming me down. Offered me Ativan, but honestly, I feel like I am taking so much medication, I can’t bear to put one more “unnecessary” thing in my body. Feel fine today; they gave me Aloxi and Emend intravenously (both long acting anti-nausea meds) and Zofran and compazine to take orally. They have me on a schedule with the Zofran (every eight hours) with the compazine to fill in, but haven’t needed it yet. Hopefully they will find a cocktail that works for you. Plus the other stuff (which makes me too paranoid to even consider using… 😉 )

    You look amazing bald. After 12 weeks of Taxol, and a quarter inch buzz around week three, I look like Gollum, with a weird layer of thin, fluffy hair, longer on the back and sides, kind of male-pattern-baldness-y (imagine my joy.) I will probably lose it all during FEC, but at the recommendation of someone at my cancer center, I have a tape lint roller at the ready!

    Hang in there! (Don’t you hate that phrase? I always wonder what people think the option is? I’m sorry, I can’t think of the right one. Insert the phrase that doesn’t set your teeth on edge here.)

    Ilana

  6. Sneaky says:

    Thank you for sharing. I know it’s hard to not do all the stuff you normally do, but this is real heavy shit you’re going through so try to be kind and gentle to yourself. I hope you are being overwhelmed by the generosity of friends and family during this time and can feel their love propping you up next time you find yourself somewhere you don’t want to be.

  7. Denise says:

    Sarah, wishing you well with #2 Chemo. Hopefully, they are giving you Emend to help with nausea. It is like $100.00 a pill but it works! Oh my, it is all so hard and difficult. I felt so insentive when I went through Chemo as I never even had a 10% clue of how bad it really was. You cannot possibly unless you go through it. They don’t call AC Chemo the “red devil” and “red death” for nothing. But it kills cancer. You can feel the death of all the cells I tell people. They know just how far to take you that you keep living. You are doing it. It will be better once the first 4 are over with – at least it is for most! Nausea ends which is huge.
    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! Denise

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