Don’t look up…

I’ve had some low points this week …

At one point I was laying exhausted on the dining room floor watching Gerry make me dinner and trying to hide the fact that I was crying because I was so overwhelmed with love and sorrow.

It’s so amazing to me that after 17+ years of marriage he still makes my heart flutter when he walks in the room. Watching him make me dinner made my heart melt with love and then it was flooded with sorrow because I couldn’t get up off the floor and help.

Gerry looked at me and sweetly said “You have to stop crying so I can make dinner. All I want to do is hug you.”

I sobbed “I don’t know if I can do this. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a mountain looking up and I’m so overwhelmed.”

Then like magic I got a text from my best-bestie. She said “Don’t look up. Don’t look down. Just straight ahead. Just be in this thing right now … You are so loved. Let it fuel you.

It was exactly what I needed to get off the floor and try and get some food into me. What do I need right now? RIGHT NOW? I need food. Fuel. Feed me.

I was able to get a green smoothie with some protein powered in me. It wasn’t easy … the protein powder was too sweet and the smell almost made me barf but I choked it down and my body was so happy. My body responded by feeling better and then I was able to give it more.

Last night we ate vegan hot-dogs and had a small green salad. I was SO HAPPY to get food into me that I lifted my arms in the air and “raised the roof”. It might not have be the “best” or the “cleanest” food … but it was something for my stomach to chew on and my body was happy for the sustenance.

This morning I woke up and I feel 97% normal again. I actually might get dressed today. Whoo doggy. I think I’ve taken a turn for the better.

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15 Responses to Don’t look up…

  1. Alana Danois says:

    <3

  2. Stephanie says:

    Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. You’re so incredibly present right now you’re in the eye of the storm, it’s incredible to read this. And not to sound trite, at ALL, but this too shall pass- and as everyone says, you are so loved. This blog is phenomenal, for all of my friends who have and are still battling, it’s a courageous yawp into the darkness and the unknown. Full steam ahead, we’re with you, on any plane;) xo

  3. Joseph says:

    Even when you don’t feel like it, you are full of power. It is pouring into you. You have cancer on the run! That you are telling your story here, openly, is so inspiring and helpful to others.

  4. Denise says:

    Sarah, those steroids make you a raving maniac. So much of the side effects come from those darn steroids! I have been done with chemo for over a year and I’m still apologizing to people I told off during steroid fits. One day I went to Walmart and yelled out over a crowd of people because someone ahead of me was checking out 350 items in a 15 limit check out. (steroids make you exxagerate too – LOL) Anyway, I screamed over the crowd, “I am calling Sam Walton.” Someone yelled, “He’s dead.” Then I screamed, “Well, I’m calling his son because you people are idiots.” The crowd errupted in applause! HA HA HA! There are fond memories from Chemo! Keep up the great work!

  5. Vanessa Hepple Spence says:

    Sarah,
    Your courage is so amazing, you have always been a woman of strength, wisdom and fearlessness although I imagine these qualities may feel far away at times right now.
    I love reading your blog and even though it brings a tear to my eye from sadness for what you are going through it equally brings a tear of pride for who you are and the fearlessness you have by sharing this very personal fight.

    Keep the light shining Sarah, you will have good days and bad days but know that there are so many people behind you sending you support and love. You have touched so many people over the years, it looks like people are coming together and giving back just a little bit of what you have given so many of us!

    Just take it all one day, one hour and one minute at a time.
    You inspire me Sarah, thank you for sharing.

    xo

  6. Mhris/misschrismiss says:

    What a perfectly timed message! And it’s a good one for all of us, all of the time, but I’m so glad it got to you right when you needed it. None of this is the way it is, or the way it will be. As your story so clearly illustrates, it’s all just moments. And if one of your moments sucks, take heart that another, entirely different, moment is just around the corner. I love that you have good people to be with you through this. <3

  7. Nancy says:

    Sarah-I have been thinking about you so much the past couple of days. I wanted you to know that you truly are surrounded by love from so many places. You need to take the love and strength you are being offered and let it lift you up…the love you seek will be there to get you to the top of the mountain-you need to focus on fighting this f**king cancer. I am sending you all the healing and “coping with the chemo” karma that I can muster up—all with a large dose of love…and a gentle foot massage to help you chill and relax and rebuild and reboot…xoxo

  8. Libby says:

    When I was on chemo my nurses told me we figure out the best mix of meds. To help with the nausea by the time I finished 🙂 it did take about 3 months before we found the right mix (kytril before chemo, iv benedryl before chemo, and then zofran ever 8 hours for the next 24 to 36 hours). I was also told that they didn’t really care where the calories came from, just as long as I was getting something in my body (I dropped 30+ pounds in less than 4 months). I found ginger chews to help, and poking saltines in pretty regularly. I did live off of frozen yogurt in tubes (I was a veggie at the time) watermelon, crackers, and soft pretzels for a while. (Can’t touch them now, and even the thought of eating strawberry or peach yogurt makes me want to dry heave) Watch for changes in taste that can happy, everything became very metallic tasting for me, which made drinking water and ice tea pretty gross. Try to keep on top of the nausea, it’s a little easier that trying to get it back under control once it’s bad. Buy a padded toilet seat, you might end spending a lot of time in the bathroom, and having a soft place to rest your head and/or bum is a good thing. Keep an eye on the bowels too, chemo drugs either tend to plug you up, or flush you out. Had I known about miralax during chemo, things would have been a little better. I think those are most of my chemo tips that would have been handy to know before hand. It’s going to be rough for a few month, but I promise, you’ll look back a few months from the you are done, and it will feel like it was a really crappy dream. It gets better, you just have to go one day at a time for while!

  9. S.M. Elliott says:

    Wishing you all the best things…you’re an inspiration to me and so many others.

  10. Mary says:

    Adding my voice to your cheering section! Straight ahead Sarah!

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