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Well it’s been less than a week since I stopped the Tamoxifen and I already feel a billion times better. My knees/joints are still aching but they are getting a little better every day.

Yesterday I went for a walk with Fergus and I didn’t even think about where I was going. This day last week I could barely make it up 1 flight of stairs. It’s crazy that a medication can do that to you …  🙁

I went to my first Encore Program Aquafit class today. It’s a free program offered to woman who have had breast cancer.

It’s for anyone who has had BC. You don’t have to be a recent patient and I think this program is offered all over so check with your local Y.

Best part is that I now have a free 2 month pass to the Y so I can do some of the other drop in classes if I want. Yippee.

I had SO much anxiety about going to this class. Part of my anxiety is about doing stuff I’ve never done before and the other part is about being vulnerable and bathing suits make me feel very vulnerable. Also my anxiety is SO bad right now … but I’ve read that Tamox can exacerbate anxiety so thanks for nothing Tamox. 🙁

Rather then hide in bed … I sucked it up and went to the Y this morning and I had a great time. 🙂 It also helped that there are woman in my class who I see at Theraputic Touch, Guided Meditation and the workshop I’m doing for Chemo Brain Fog.

I am SO busy. Cancer treatment recovery is full time work! It’s nice to be with a group of woman who have been through the ringer just like I have. They get it. The fear. The pain. The intensity of it all … Anyway, the class was really fun and it made me feel good to be working towards getting my body to be strong again. Right now I’m like a wet noodle …

My brother sent me this great book called Cancer Vixen. It’s pretty funny and the entire thing is a graphic novel so it’s easy to read (for someone who has chemo-brain).

I ended up donating it to the library at the Cancer Center when I was done so others can enjoy it. Thanks for sending it Ben!! 🙂

I also started yoga again. I realized the other night that in the last 30 days of taking Tamoxifen how my quality of life diminished and everything became very small. No walks on the beach. No hikes at the lake. No yoga or jumping on my trampoline. I could barely watch TV I was in so much agony.

So I pulled out one of my Rodney Yee yoga dvd’s and did a 20 minute Restore & Rejuvenate program. I started bawling … Not like shed a few tears but more like BOO HOO’S snot running down my face kind of bawling.

I wasn’t crying because it hurt but because I miss my old energetic body that could run around and do almost everything I wanted it too. Each stretch released so much grief. It was crazy. I haven’t sobbed like that in a long long time.

I was alone in the house (except for downward dog Fergus) and so I just went with the tears. I stretched and sobbed and wiped my snot on my arm as I reached for the sky. Rodney tells you to release and I did. I let it alllll out.

I did the same set of yoga the next day and the same thing happened. More sobbing. Today when I did yoga I had no more tears … but I am filled to the brim with gratitude that I am starting to feel better.

As of today I have 30 more free days on my “medication holiday” before we have go see my Oncologist to decide what to do about the Tamoxifen. I’m going to relish every moment.

I’ve been off Tamoxifen for less than 24 hours and I feel like I could run a marathon … I’m having a Prince dance party RIGHT NOW!!

About a month ago I started taking Tamoxifen. It’s the final piece of the puzzle in my quadfecta of treatment for breast cancer:
#1 Mastectomy
#2 Chemo
#3 Radiation
and finally #4 Tamoxifen. A daily dose for 10 years.

It’s an interesting medication and the doc told me to expect side effects. Hot Flashes and early menopause were the only two that she said I would have issue with although she listed a few more that happens in rare cases.

I’ve been trying to think of the Tamox as a vitamin. A vitamin that slows or stops the growth of cancer cells that are already present in the body. It helps keep the original breast cancer from coming back and helps prevent new cancer in the opposite breast. It also reduces the risk of breast cancer in women who have a high risk for this disease.

I did my research. It’s a medication I feel comfortable taking but I wasn’t expecting how severe the side effects would be.

Within a couple hours of taking my first pill (which I took with food) I got gut-rot. It just got worse from there. Nausea all the time. Bloating. My mouth tastes like pennies. No interest in food. I’m SO thirsty and I can’t seem to get enough water into me even with drinking about 2+ liters a day.

I called and talked to the pharmacist and the nurse hotline a couple of times to talk about my side effects and they assured me that the nausea and other symptoms would pass if I could just tough it out for a few more weeks.

The other thing about Tamox … and I don’t know if this is true … but I feel like it’s snuffed out my light. I know when you go through menopause that things get emotional but this is beyond that. My anxiety has grown from a 4 to an 11. I’ve been bawling my eyes out every night for no reason. All my sassiness has been replaced with sour. It’s been rough. 🙁

When I popped into the cancer center to have my port flushed last week I bumped into one of my favourite nurses and told her all about my woes. She suggested I break my pill in half and take half in the am/pm. It helped with the emotional stuff … I didn’t feel like I was on a roller-coaster of emotions but the rest of the symptoms stayed the same. And my poor sad knees.

Well … after 4 weeks of daily Tamox … I am giving up. My knees are SO sore that I am finding it difficult to walk. I feel like I’m 90 years old.

I’m a tough chick. I take a lot of pain and suffering before I give up … but when the doctor suggested I limit my activity for a while I said “You’re joking right?”

Ummm. I need to be able to walk around the block. Or walk up a flight of stairs. I need to be able to stand to brush my god-damn teeth. Being in this kind of knee pain is not acceptable. No amount of resting or pain meds would give me relief.

So my doc is letting me go on a “medication vacation” for 30 days. She wants to see if the joint pain is from something else or from the medication. I know in my heart it’s from the meds because prior to starting them I was walking the beach every day for 45 minutes and not having any issues. I was feeling great. Sassy even.

I have an appointment with my oncologist first week in March to see how I’m doing and for us to come up with a new plan.

Any of you struggle with Tamoxifen? I’d love to hear how you managed because for the LOVE OF DOG there has to be a better way.

Facebook is getting on my last nerve.  🙁

I’ve noticed in the last few months that less than 15% of my 5000+ friends on Facebook were seeing my updates. WHAT!!?

I did a little investigating and it turns out Facebook is trying to extort $$ from me for ads. If I buy ads or “boost” my updates they will show my feed to more of my “friends”. WTF.

You would think that if you “liked” my page that I would show up in your feed … but sadly no. It’s beyond frustrating.  🙁

I’m not going to close my Facebook page but I wanted you to be aware that Facebook is keeping you from seeing my updates.

And while The Shark has jumped on Facebook … there are still other places you can see my updates. 🙂 I am also on Twitter, Instagram and of course my trusty blog here at www.GoVegan.net

So what’s the new Facebook going to be?? MySpace?  🙂

Hi Friends! I have re-opened Sarah’s Place. 🙂

As many of you know I had to close the retail store last July so I could focus on doing treatment for breast cancer. It was a really difficult decision to close but I’m glad I did. I needed to focus on my treatment.

Well … my treatment is over (thank Dog) and I’m starting to feel a bit like myself again. And while I don’t know if I will re-open the retail store yet … I thought I would re-open the online store so you can do some shopping! 🙂

As you can imagine – during packing up the store my inventory got a little messy. I am slowly re-counting everything and adding it back into the online store. Currently I only have books for sale but will slowly be adding more things.

I have a lot of books and I need your help to reduce my stock!! I know I don’t have Amazon prices … but I am able to offer you a FREE Autographed copy of How It All Vegan with every order (while supplies last).

Thank you all so much for your love and support.
I love you guys. 🙂
xoxo
SARAH

P.S. If you’re a local … use the code ILOVEVICTORIA and you won’t be charged shipping and you can pick up your purchase from TZ.

A few years ago I found a 4 leaf clover …

I didn’t know what to do with it so I tucked it away for a rainy day and I had it stashed in a drawer for so many years that I totally forgot about it.

During one of my house-cleaning fits a few months ago – I re-found it. As soon as I saw it I knew exactly what to do.  🙂

I sent it to Kyla at TompsonGirl.com and she turned my clover into a beautiful pendant!

Thank you Kyla!!
I love it so much.

I’m not 100% on the date but it was around mid-Jan of last year when I felt a lightening bolt of pain hit my breast while we were watching TV. When I felt my breast I found a lump and the rest is history. 🙁

I went to the doctor about my lump. He did an exam. Scheduled me a mammogram in Feb. I left for the UK with Gerry for a holiday. Came home. Had a needle biopsy and a week or so later I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s bizarre to think it’s been a year.

It’s been a year of recovery really. Recovering from shock. From surgery. From chemo. From radiation … and now I need to recover from the whole shebang.

Do me a favour?? Check your breasts. Right now. If you don’t know how – I found this video. Watch it. Then do it. For me. Even if you’re dude. Check for lumps. If you find anything … go immediately to your doctor.

Let’s not dwell on this weird anniversary. It’s not something I really want to celebrate … what I want to celebrate instead is that I’m feeling PRETTY SASSY!! 🙂

This is the face of a woman who is no longer in agonizing pain from her radiation burn.

If you see me with a full face of makeup on … you know I’m doing good.  🙂 People have been asking me about my eyebrows. Yes. They’re baaaack. Someone out there in Internet land sent me a IT Brow Power pencil and I highly recommend it. It helps fill in any gaps. It’s the best brow pencil I’ve ever used. And it’s vegan! Woot!

So back to my burn … almost two weeks to the day of my last radiation my body turned off the heat inside. Thank goodness because I was beyond miserable.

My chest panel is healing up nicely thanks to S.W. Basics body oil. I couldn’t use any oil products on my radiation area until I was done burning … but now my body is READY and my skin is loving this magical blend of oils.

The last couple of days I have been able to wear clothing for more than a few hours (yay). It’s been really annoying having to be topless all the time. It might sound like a dream to some of you nude lovers out there but making dinner while topless is a hazard. Trust me.

Speaking of clothes. My lovely friends Miranda and Ryan from Whistle & Flute clothing sent me this super soft Je T’Aime pullover. Oh gosh it’s nice … They make the cutest stuff.

Gerry wasn’t feeling well this last week (I think he’s exhausted) so we’ve been doing a lot of lounging. Gerry thinks he had a flu bug and all he wanted to do lay down and snooze so we moved all the living room furniture around and put our guest bed in front of the TV.

I don’t think Fergus ever wants us to put it away. It’s like a Queen sized dog bed in the living-room and he’s loving every cuddly moment of it. 🙂

During our downtime we decided to revisit LOST. We binge watched season 1 in like 48 hours. Ha ha. It was crazy. Now we’re on Season 2.

I forgot how GOOD this series… especially John Locke. I relate to his character so much more now. Maybe because of my cancer experience? I dunno. Maybe cause I’m older now but whatever it is I think he’s such a fantastic antihero.

Not to get sappy but my fav thing about laying on the living-room bed is when Gerry plays with my ear while we watch TV.

Even though Gerry wasn’t feeling well and I was in a lot of pain … I really enjoyed having Gerry home sick with me. We ate soup. We watched Lost. We napped. We watched Lost. We ate pizza. We watched Lost. We napped. We watched Lost. We drank juice. We watched Lost.

There’s nothing I love more in the world then a good snuggle with Gerry and Fergus. I love my life. I’m so happy to be here to enjoy it.

UGH! The last couple weeks have been so hard … 🙁

When the radiation doctor told me that my skin would get worse before it got better and she wasn’t kidding. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest by the devils hoof. My skin is on fire!!!

I will say that my armpit is better. It’s no longer a festering hot mess and I can put my arm down now without having friction/pain but it seems like the radiation moves around. For a while it was my shoulder and it felt like someone had left a hot coal inside my body. 🙁

Now the radiation has moved to the front of my chest and it is on FIRE! I can’t even explain how uncomfortable it is. It’s like a bad sunburn x1000 and with no relief.

Even with the saline soaks and the pain pills … you never really get a break and it’s exhausting.

I have to lay around topless because clothing rubs up against me and irritates my skin. It’s also so exhausting for poor Ger-Bear. He has to do everything for me right now.

The only relief I had was when I went to see my beloved Go-Go’s on New Years Eve. 🙂

Gerry and I drove over to Vancouver to see the band play at the River Rock Casino. It was going to be the longest day I had been in clothing in weeks. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy so instead of dressing up in something fancy … I wore the baggiest most comfortable outfit I have and as soon as we got to the hotel room I stripped off my shirt and did some cool saline soaks.

Around 7pm I put my shirt back on and my parents and a small group of friends came over to our hotel room to hang out. We noshed on food and drank wine. Well… they drank wine. I ate Tylenol for the pain. The band wasn’t scheduled to play until 11pm so we had a lot of time to wait.

As the hours ticked towards 11pm I realized I wasn’t going to make it to the show if I didn’t take off my shirt and go lay down for a bit – so everyone left and I lay in on the King size bed and did a saline soak.

I was SO uncomfortable in my own skin that I didn’t think I was was going to be able to make it downstairs for the show but Gerry (my cheerleader) helped me get dressed and we met up with my parents down in the lobby.

Once we got inside the venue and sat down … I started to feel better. We had a lot of fun. My parents are hilarious and it was such a treat to spend the evening with them. Look at them trying to take a selfie. So cute.  🙂

When the Go-Go’s stepped on stage … I completely forgot how terrible I was feeling. All I wanted to do was DANCE but I stayed in my seat instead. I knew if I went and danced down by the stage that I would hurt myself so I spent the first 3/4 of the show sitting in my seat and chair dancing.

Then Gerry and I popped backstage for the last few songs before New Years.

I love watching the band from this vantage point because you get to see the crowd singing along and having a good time.

When the New Years clock started counting down I was pulled on stage by Jane’s boyfriend Travis and I got to give hugs and clink glasses with the band at midnight but not before I gave Gerry a big kiss. He always gets the first kiss.  😉

After the show I was able to introduce my parents to the band and we hung out backstage for a while talking and catching up. My Dad told Jane that this was his first rock show and everyone in the room freaked out. It was awesome. ha ha.

What an amazing night. I want to say thank you to Jane, Gina, Char, Belinda and Abby as well as big thanks to Art (tour manager), Travis and Susan for making my 2013 New Years Eve so memorable.

It’s been a rough year and it was such a fantastic way to end the year and “leave the past behind“. Gerry and I collapsed into bed at about 3am and I woke up the next day feeling like a corpse but it was worth it.  🙂

Yesterday was the first day I put on mascara since I lost them to chemo. 🙂

I am so in love with Better Than Sex mascara by Too Faced. It was recommended to me by Tashina of Logical Harmony blog.

It’s so nice to feel like a flirty girl again. Yay lashes!!  🙂

Ugh. MY SKIN IS SO SENSITIVE!!

My skin is driving me crazy. My chest is sore. My shoulder blade is sore. My armpit is so painful I can hardly brush my teeth or lift my arm up. My armpit skin is SO tight. The skin is SO sore. I’m doing everything they tell me. Saline soaks, burn cream, Tylenol, resting.

I don’t have one single item of clothing I can wear that doesn’t make me want to scream. I’m laying around topless feeling useless. I do EVERYTHING with my right hand. Can’t make dinner. Can’t walk the dog. Can’t even play the ukulele.

This last week of radiation has been really hard. Poor Gerry is wiped out and frustrated that he can’t do anything to help me feel better. I’m not sleeping well because I’m in constantly uncomfortable.

Do you want to see my burned armpit?? Click HERE if you do. If not … read on.  🙂

I went in to talk to the nurses to make sure that everything was ok and I saw one of my favourite nurses from the chemo ward. She’s a old-school nurse. She’s been doing her job for a while and because of her wisdom she made me feel a lot better about what I’m going through. She assured me that my armpit wasn’t infected and that the burn actually looked good!

I was like “GOOD?” She laughed and said “I swear. You’re doing really well. I’ve seen much worse and yours is doing really well.”

She gave me some more tips about how to keep my arm from chafing the sore in my armpit and the best tip she had was to do a MacGyver and cut up a pair of hospital underwear into a tank top for me. Not only does it hold my bandage in place (to protect the sore) but it keeps my arm from rubbing up against it.

I’m still uncomfortable and feeling shitty but not like I was before. I love nurses.  🙂

We are so close to the end of this treatment that this week has been torture. And it’s not like it when I finish radiation everything suddenly gets better once I’m done. The after effects of radiation last a couple of weeks or more and the nurse told me the pain/soreness in my armpit could get WORSE! 🙁

The chemo is still messing with my body too. My skin is all weird and bumpy as I process the chemicals. Two of my fingernails are hanging on for dear life. My big toe nail looks like it’s a zombie toe and I know one day I’m going to take off my shoe and it will have fallen off.

I’m just so over it.

One positive thing this week is that I looked in the mirror and saw a Sarah I recognize. She has eyebrows and eyelashes and doesn’t look like a sick alien creature from a far off planet but boy-howdy she sure does look tired.

I did my last radiation yesterday. It was weird to say good-bye to everyone on the radiation ward. I’ve been going there every single day for the last month and a half. I feel like I work there.

It’s going to be weird to have some free time … although it’s not like I can do anything because my skin is still SO sensitive that it makes wearing clothing torture. I’m hoping my vegan superpowers kick-in and my skin starts healing up quickly. I have a Go-Go’s show on New Years to attend damn it! 🙂

I hope my armpit heals up enough so I can clap my hands during Head over Heels. Ha ha. I need to get my dance on!! Everyone needs a goal right?

The biggest bummer was that I woke up with a sore throat. This entire year through all the surgeries, chemo and radiation I managed to avoid getting any bugs … and here I am on my last day of treatment and I catch a wicked sore throat.

Dang it!! So I’ve been sleeping and drinking juice hoping it will go away and not turn into something.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited that it’s all over and truth be told … I don’t know what I feel. Right now I don’t feel much of anything because I’m just trying to deal with this armpit burn.

I also know that it’s not over. I have to heal from radiation (and that’s going to take a while). I have to heal from what the chemo did to my body. I have to have surgery to remove my Power-Port. Mentally I have to heal from all the trauma. Plus we still don’t know if I have the breast cancer gene and will need surgery on the other side – so we’re waiting for those results.

So it’s not really over … lots left to do. Still focused on now. Gotta focus on healing and that’s going to take some time.

This time of year I usually like to do a 2013 YEAR IN REVIEW but I can look back. I can’t. 2013 has been as raw as the skin under my arm. It’s too sensitive to touch…

But even though I’m not feeling 100% yet and I am literally uncomfortable in my own skin – I know it’s only temporary.

All year. Through the surgery, the chemo, the radiation … Gerry would rub my head and say “It will be better tomorrow…”  and sometimes it was and sometimes it wasn’t but whenever he said that to me it gave me hope.

I am hopeFULL that 2014 is going to be better.

I am also so thankFULL for all the love that was showered on me this year. I have so much love from my family, my friends who are like family and all of you out there in internetland.

Thank you for all your encouragement. At any time day or night I could hop onto social media and ask for support and you were there to provide solace for me. I never once felt like I was alone during this … I am so blessed to have all of you in my corner cheering me on.

I love you guys.
xoxo
SARAH