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18 years ago I married my best friend …

A couple years later … for kicks we got married again. Viva Las Vegas! 🙂

How did I get so lucky?? 🙂

It’s been about 25 days since I started up with the Tamox and it’s not getting any easier. 🙁

You know that feeling right before you come down with the flu?

Where your whole body hurts and you feel like you’re wearing a heavy wet gorilla suit? That’s what I feel like every day.

Sore bones. Sore joints. Plus add in hot flashes and roller-coaster of out of control emotions and you can kind of understand how I’m feeling.

I went to see a councilor at the Cancer Center. I walked into her office and completely broke down. I think I sobbed through the whole conversation.

The first thing she did was give me a pad of paper and a pen and said “Let’s make a plan…” It was EXACTLY what I needed to do. 🙂

First thing. Be more gentle with myself. Right now. While the medication is so new in my system and because I’m having so many issues with side effects – I need to only do things that nourish/replenish me.

Second. Call my naturopath and see if there is anything he can suggest to help support my sore joints (and my emotional state) while my body gets used to taking the Tamox.

Third. Stop crying. These “Crazy Person” crying jags that I’m having are because of the chemicals in the Tamox. So I have to set a time of 15 minutes and limit my tears.

Plus she added some other “coping” suggestions that I already do like breathing exercises, meditation, etc etc for my anxiety.

I have always been a “glass half full” kind of girl but this Tamox makes me feel like I’m drowning. If things don’t start improving for me soon I don’t know if I can continue on this medication.

The worst part is that I’M ONLY ON 1/2 A DOSE!! I’m supposed to bump up to a full dose next week. I don’t think I can do it.

I was speaking to a woman in one of my support groups the other day. She’s about the same age as me and is on Tamox as well. We were commiserating about how miserable we are on this medication and she echoed my sentiment.

Neither of us were anticipating the Tamox to be this difficult. We both thought the Surgery/Chemo/Radiation was the hard part and that once we got through that … the pill would just be an inconvenience.

I was so uncomfortable this morning that I told Gerry I wasn’t going to take my pill anymore … but a few hours later … I somehow crawled out of bed, had a bath, brushed my teeth and choked down my dose of Tamox.

I’m going to give myself 2 more weeks (6 weeks total) to “get used” to this medication. If I don’t see a change in how I feel … I’m going to talk to my oncologist again about what I can do. I feel like such a wuss. 🙁

Thank goodness for my Magical Hummingbird.

She sits outside my bedroom window every day and chirps at me through the window.

My heart skips a beat every-time I see her. Isn’t it crazy that she sits on the same branch every single day!?

I swear she follows me around the block when I walk the dog. 🙂 I’m so lucky to have a Magical Hummingbird.

My dear friend Cabot needs to have a complicated knee surgery so we are raising funds. Any donation is welcome. Woof.  🙂

Watch this video or go right to his fundraising page: youcaring.com/helpcabot

What a week … It feels like it’s been a year. 🙁

The Tamox has not been kind. Nausea. Hot Flashes. Weird puke-burps. No appetite. And of course the worst part for me is the joint pain. The pain went from zero to 60 and it caught me off guard. And I’m only on a 10mg dose. I’m supposed to be on 20mg!! 🙁

Despite me feeling crappy I was determined to go see my family this weekend so we hopped the ferry and it was really great being able to see my parents and Gerry’s folks …

But the entire trip I kept thinking “Is this my life now? To be so uncomfortable that I can’t sit for too long and also so uncomfortable that I can stand for too long either?” By the time we got home I was exhausted. Thank goodness I brought my luck-dragon with me for comfort and cuddles.  🙂

Speaking of Fergus … I would like to get him certified as a “PTSD” dog but I can’t seem to find any good solid info (yes I’ve googled) about PTSD Service Dogs for Canada in particular BC. Anyone out there have any info?

Speaking of PTSD the fear I have about the Tamox is intense. I’ve been crying just about every night about the pain. Gerry rubs my back while I sit and sob. This whole year has been about learning to let it go so instead of trying to be stoic – I just let it out. It’s not cute but it’s effective. 🙂

These Tamox tears are so intense. Gerry told me I was “darker” then he’s ever seen me. It’s much more difficult to recover from Tamox tears … so I’ve made an appointment with a therapist at the Cancer Center. I have a regular therapist but I want to talk to this particular woman at the Cancer Center because she’s my favourite therapist who does the Guided Meditation.

The therapists all take turns running the meditation but this woman is particularly creative. I dig her outlook … so since she deals with cancer patients every day, I think she might have some new insight for me. Fingers crossed.

During one of my nightly melt-downs I had an epiphany. I realized I wasn’t taking everything the Naturopath suggested for joint pain so I went and looked at the sheet of his suggestions for supplements that won’t interfere with the tamoxifen and I was right. I had totally forgotten to pick them up after my appointment with him.

He had suggested Curcumin for joint pain as well as Glucosamine. I think I hadn’t bothered with the Glucosamine because I knew it was made with shellfish so I did a quick Google search found a vegan friendly Glucosamine and the next day I ran to the vitamin store so I could get started.

It’s only been 5 days since I started with both … and I already feel like I’m doing better. I still have achey knees at the end of the night but I don’t feel like jumping off a bridge. So I am now feeling a teeny tiny bit hopeful that I can navigate my way through the Tamox with the support of the supplements.

So let’s all say a tiny “yay”. I’m not ready for a big YAY yet.  🙂

In other news – I went to see Carol Armstrong who had come to my YWCA Encore class to talk to us about lymphedema. I am SO THANKFUL that she does this kind of outreach because my arm has been bugging me for a while.

I also want to say thank you to all of you out there in internet land who sent me messages to be mindful about Lymphedema.

I’ve asked my Surgeon, my Oncologist and my Radiologist to look at my chest wall/arm and they gave me a few pokes and told me I was fine. They all said “You’ve only had 3 nodes removed so don’t worry about it”.

My arm has been weak and feeling weird ever since I finished radiation at the end of Dec – but I kept waiting for it to get better. First I couldn’t really use my arm that much because of the radiation burn. Then I thought it was stiff because I had favoured it so much. Then I thought it was stiff/heavy feeling because I had started the Encore program and I was exercising it too much.

Anyway … I had a funny feeling it was something else … so I booked an appointment with Carol for an assessment and guess what. I have edema. Which is swelling in both my arm and my trunk area and some truncal rigidity where I had the mastectomy. It’s early stages and Carol feels that we can get things normal-ish again but it’s going to take some time. She’ll be doing lymph drainage massage and working on breaking down the scar tissue …

So #1. I’m pissed that none of the doctors knew to measure my right and left arm for comparison.

#2. There is no support at the Cancer Center for Edema/lymphedema except for the library. They give you an oncologist. They give you a radioligist. They give you a nurse hotline. They give you mental support with therapy. Where is the lymphedema expert?

#3. If Carol had not done outreach at the Y. And I had listened to the doctors instead of my gut I would be walking around thinking my arm was fine and it would be getting worse. 🙁

I feel like I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DO MY OWN DIAGNOSIS. That they should know what to look for. Ugh. So now I have to get fitted for a compression arm sleeve …

I went to the Rexall located on Nanaimo Street. I love that store. The staff there are so helpful and anytime I’ve gone in there with questions or looking for something medical they go out of their way to help.

The woman who fitted me for my sleeve made me feel so comfortable and kept assuring me that I was going to be fine and that the sleeve would make me feel much better. Then she said “Do you want me to order you a black one? You look like someone who likes to wear black.”

Ha ha. How did she know??  🙂

I was talking to Dr.B on the phone the other night about how scared shitless I am not to take this Tamox. I told her that I hadn’t anticipated all the side effects from after cancer treatment.

I was so focused on the tumor and getting through the surgery then the chemo/radiation. I didn’t anticipate the Tamox to be just as difficult. I didn’t expect to have issues with my lymphatic system. I didn’t expect to be as weak as a baby. I didn’t think I would have no appetite and not enjoy food anymore. I didn’t expect to have such deep PTSD and anxiety from all the trauma of cancer treatment.

So fingers crossed this Curcumin and vegan Glucosamine keep doing what they’re doing to help offset the Tamox joint pain and while we’re at it let’s all take a deep breath and ask the universe to cut me a little bit of slack. 🙂

More joy.
Less pain.
That’s not too much to ask for… is it?

This tree is in front of my house! #humblebrag

Ok… new day. New attitude. Woke up early and went to my Encore Program …

There is nothing better than playing in the water with other breast cancer patients to make you feel like you’re not the only genetic dud in the world. 🙂

This program is so great because not only do you do Aquafit but once we’re done we get dressed and go to the yoga room and try different exercises.

Last week was BellyFit. The week before former patients came and shared their breast reconstruction. This week a woman came in and did Restorative Yoga with us. And every visit we also have a circle of chairs and go around the room and talk.

Came home and konked out on the couch and had the deepest nap. Today feels good.

Yesterday I dropped in on the Cancer Center Pharmacy to talk about my side-effects. It’s only been 5 days but … here’s what’s happening. I feel caffeinated. My heart is pounding and because of that I feel light-headed and spacy.

I get gut-rot as soon as I take my pill. I have nausea during the day and then last night I had EXTREME hunger. I could not get satiated. It was so weird. I’m also having about 8x hot-flashes a day. UGH. So I looked up Hot Flashes/Anxiety on The Google and look what I found:

The outward signs of a hot flash — sweating and pink or reddened skin — tell the world that a woman’s estrogen production is dwindling. Heart palpitations and feelings of anxiety, tension, or a sense of dread also may accompany hot flashes; some women say they feel agitated or unsettled right before a hot flash occurs. Women experience hot flashes differently. Some feel warm; others complain of burning up. A lot of women feel chills afterward. Hot flashes that occur during sleep, called night sweats, may disrupt sleep, causing fatigue and mood changes.

Ummmm… hello. That’s me. So I’m trying to be mindful that when I start to hot-flash to pay attention to what else is going on with my body.

Also now that I have a clear head … I recognize that my meltdown the other night was a full blown panic attack because I feel totally out of control with the Tamox.

But all these side effects might not be from the hot flashes or the PTSD/Anxiety. The pharmacist said that my heart racing could be a side effect from the pill and told me I could stop if I wanted and we can have a meeting on Monday with Dr B.

I decided I’m going to tough it out through the weekend and see how it goes.

In other news …. A friend of mine from the Encore class gave me this EMDR session for pain to try and it helped clear away some of the doom I was feeling. If you try EMDR make sure you use headphones as the tapping sounds go from ear to ear.

So lots of self-care going on over here. Don’t you worry about me.  🙂

Speaking of self-care … Gerry tattoo’d me yesterday.

It sounds crazy but getting tattoo’d is so therapeutic for me. The second the needle hits your skin you are awake. It’s like a cold glass of water in your face but with needles. Ha ha.

Even though the tattoo is ever so small … it made me feel so much better.

The power of three! Gerry, Fergus and me.

March 4th of last year I went for a mammogram that turned into a needle biopsy that found my breast cancer tumor.

Gerry and I took this photo while we were waiting … we had no idea our world was about to be turned upside down.

Cancer-versarys are weird. I’m so thankful we found the tumor. That we had it removed. Thankful I’m alive. But also so mad.

Mad that I had to have such a body-altering surgery. That chemo/radiation made more more sick than I’ve ever been in my life. Mad that chemo/radiation WRECKED me physically and mentally.

I’m thankful that the nausea has passed but I’m pissed that I have zero interest in food. I get no joy from eating anymore. 🙁

Then I think about my friends sister who started her cancer treatment around the same time I did. She passed away this week. It’s heartbreaking… I’m lucky to be alive. I should stop complaining and just be grateful.

I went to see my oncologist on Monday to talk about the Tamoxifen and my bad reaction to it. I asked her to explain again why I need to take it and it’s a numbers game.

If I had just done my mastectomy and no other treatment… there would be a 50/50 chance of recurrence. That’s 1 in 2. But because I did chemo/radiation that brings my numbers down to 35/65 chance of recurrence. That’s 1 in 3. And if I add Tamoxifen to the mix: that brings me down to 20/80 chance of recurrence. That’s 1 in 5.

So it’s kind of a no-brainer. Except that when I took the Tamox – I was in agony and it would be impossible to function like that.

So Dr. B suggested we switch brands. I first took Tamox (TEV) and this time I am taking Tamox (APO). She said that she’s seen woman take one brand and be fine and then they switch to another brand (for whatever reason) and they can’t handle it. So I agreed to go back on Tamox but we are starting slow. I am taking 10mg (instead of 20mg) a day for a month and we are going to see how I do.

She said even a little Tamox is better than no Tamox.

Gerry and I got home from the appointment and I totally melted down. Just the thought of going back on Tamox triggered something so dark and scary inside me. I am so afraid of the pain/joint flare ups I had the first time I took it. Ugh. It gives me so much anxiety.

In the middle of my melt-down I actually told Gerry he should leave me because I’m a genetic dud and he deserves a better wife. Oh man. I was so low. I sobbed my face off for about an hour. I couldn’t stop crying … So Gerry shoved an Ativan in my mouth and 2 minutes later I was fine.

I kind of love Ativan.

When I took my first dose of Tamox I got immediate gut-rot (like I did with the other brand) and I could feel my body panic. It triggered so much anxiety that I crawled into bed and spent the entire day there. I lay in the dark with Fergus curled up beside me … Ugh.

Then I looked at my calendar and realized that it was the anniversary of the day I had my needle biopsy. That was the day the doctor held my hand after he punctured my breast and said “It’s definitely something. I wish you lots of luck.” That horrible fucked up day is stuck in every cell of my body. Of course I am feeling all these feelings today. This was the day when everything changed. I am full of so much grief.

This morning Gerry said to me “You can try taking this pill for 1 day. 2 days. 2 weeks. You get to decide.” but all I can think is that if I don’t take this pill … I’m going to die. That is so much weird crazy pressure to put on myself. It’s not fair to do that.

So today when I took my Tamox I looked at it and said “Go to work little friend. Do your job.” and while my Tamox is making sure that my body doesn’t make anymore cancer … my job is to not get so hyped up and anxious that this is going to be a repeat of last time.

I took my pill yesterday and had gut-rot again (yes I’m taking it with food) but instead of obsessing about it I took Fergus to the beach for a walk. While I was at the beach I got a call from my surgeon about removing my port.

Fantastic! That’s a step forward right? …It’s a reason to celebrate but instead I’m filled with more anxiety.

They remove it with a “local” and a small incision and then they pull it out. WHAT THE WHAT?! Isn’t it connected to my jugular??

The nurse assured me it’s easier to remove then put in. I told her I would be taking ALL of the Ativan. She said that would be fine.

March 4th 2013 was the needle biopsy. March 6th was confirmation of my cancer. March 14 I shared my bad news with the world.

March came in like a lion and never left…

All year the nurses have been telling me that cancer is a marathon not a sprint and I’ve been trying to pace myself but today I am officially out of steam.

Just got back from a weekend away at the Kingfisher resort/spa.

I’ve been trying to get Gerry to do a little “get away” but he’s too busy with work so when my friend Jayde asked me to go I said HELLS YES!!

Jayde and I got the It’s All About You package which included 2 nights accommodation, $100 credit (each) at the restaurant, $100 spa credit, a visit to the Pacific Mist Hydropath and a Yoga class. Woot!!

The rooms are ok. From the website I was expecting them to be a bit more deluxe but they weren’t terrible. I think “rustic” is a good description. Ha ha.

The bathroom was tiny and the whole room needed better lighting but on the plus side the room had a micro-kitchen so you can bring your own food. But with $100 credit EACH in the restaurant we ate our faces off and didn’t touch the kitchen.

The restaurant was very accommodating. We called ahead and told them we were vegan/soy-free/gluten-free and they said “no problem”. Our first breakfast we had a potato hash with seasonal greens plus a GF english muffin and avocado.

I like a restaurant that is generous with avocado.  🙂

The evening we arrived – Jayde and I went for our Pacific Mist Hydropath and it was other worldly. They take you to the basement of the spa that has been turned into a cave. Yes. I said a cave.

In the cave there are 8 different water features. An attendant brings you from each feature to the next but you feel like you’re alone. The first cave there was a Swiss Shower and you push a button and there are water jets from head to toe. You stand there until the jets turn off … it’s awesome.

Then the attendant takes you to a Mineral Massage pool where she brings you cool water and ice cold towels. We sat in the bubbly water and relaxed. It was awesome.

Then our attendant showed us to the Waterfall Massage. This was my one of my favourite features. There are 4 mini caves that you take turns sitting in. One has a waterfall that falls directly above your head. It looked like a tube of water. You can adjust your body so the stream touches different parts of your head/neck/shoulders. The 2nd cave waterfall – the water comes from everywhere. It actually knocked me off my seat. ha ha. The other two were just as amazing as the first two. The whole thing was awesome.

Then you are escorted into a steam cave and given fresh glasses of water and cool towels.

After that was the Glacial Waterfall. You stand under a rock and push the button and FREEZING COLD WATER falls on you for 10 seconds. I think I lasted 2. It was intense.

This is NOT me and Jayde. 🙂

Then you are escorted to the River Walk where you walk through warm and then cool water while jets massage your legs. You walk through that one twice.

Then we were escorted to the Sea Mineral Soak while a light rain mists over you. By the time we got to the Mineral Soak we were wet noodles but there was still one last cave.

The last feature was a bath that was carved into the rock and it looked like an egg pod. We were given seaweed/salt scrub so you could scrub your whole body and then lay down and relax in the hot water. It was like being in the womb. It was awesome.

After that you take a warm shower and head up to the relaxation lounge where we lay and drank tea and relaxed some more.

Jayde and I are both water-people. Water always makes me feel better … whenever I’m stressed I hop in the bath. It’s my happy place so I walked out of the spa with a grin on my face from ear to ear. It’s exactly what I needed… It was SPAwesome.  🙂

We lay around and watched bad TV on the ancient television in our room. I forgot that TV’s used to be square. In fact I think this TV was so old that it was deeper than it was wider.

I woke up the next morning confused about where I was and then I realized I had a full day ahead of me of spa treatments!! Yessss…..

Jayde and I hit the hot tub/pool and hung out until it was time for my facial. I explained to the girl doing my face that I had just finished cancer treatment and that she had to be careful of my port.

I made her touch it. Ha ha. My port is under my skin and it’s not any trouble but I wanted to make sure she didn’t push on it.  🙂

She was great and she scrubbed and polished my face until it was shiny and clean.

I went back to the room and had a little nap and then we went to our “restorative yoga” appointment. It was a really nice gentle class and it stretched out everything. I’ve never done “restorative yoga” before and now I’m going to look for a class in town. I think it’s what my old bag of bones needs right now.

After yoga I went back to the room to get ready for dinner while Jayde had her massage appointment. We met at 8pm at the restaurant for our dinner and the kitchen made us a delish coconut curry dish with jasimine rice and lentils. It was a very simple dish but not bland. It perfectly spiced and it was a perfect way to end the day.

Jayde and I stumbled back to our room and watched I Love You Man on the ancient TV and laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed. #slappindabass

I was telling Jayde how much I enjoyed the Hydropath and that I had been daydreaming about it all day and suggested we should do it the next morning before we left for home. She completely agreed and we booked our appointment. Weee! How wickedly indulgent.

The next morning we had a simple breakfast (fruit/gf toast) and then went to our SECOND hydropath appointment. Oh man… it was even better the 2nd time around. Seriously. I was giddy during the whole thing. 🙂

Oh yeah!! I also got to meet Monica. She works at the resort and is a fan of my cookbooks. She was so sweet and shy … I practically had to pull her out of the office to come say hi to me. HI MONICA!!

It was a magical weekend … and it was perfect timing because I had my big meeting with my oncologist on Monday.

It was also great to spend some one-on-one time with my friend Jayde. We don’t get to see each other as much as we would like. Her 2 year old takes up a lot of her time. My cancer treatments take up a lot of time. You know how it is …

It was a great re-bonding trip and I am so thankful/grateful that she invited me.

All I can think about is those caves. Do you think I could start a Kickstarter so I can buy a house and build my own water cave in the basement. Would you donate??  🙂

I woke up last week sounding like Harvey Fierstein. Ended up with a stupid headcold. Ugh. I know it’s that time of year when everyone is sick… but it made me mad. I was JUST starting to feel better from my Tamoxifen reaction and then I had to go back to bed to nurse my cold.

I AM SO TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED. 🙁

Because of my cold I had to miss my Chemo Brain class. My Theraputic Touch. My Meditation class AND then a pipe burst in my master bathroom and I had to miss my Aquafit Class to wait for the plumber to find the leaky pipe. It’s been an annoying couple of weeks. Ha ha.

I had to go give blood today and have my port flushed. I always ask at the reception desk which nurse is doing the blood because I don’t ever want that “Frantic Nurse” to touch me again.

The lovely receptionist checked for me to make sure that she wasn’t around and then told me it would be a few minutes. The waiting room is the same waiting room where I used to wait for chemo.

I can hear the chemo machines beeping and smell the smells of the chemo ward. It always triggers me – so I sat and pretended to look at my phone while I did some Square Breathing to keep grounded.

As I was sitting there two different chemo nurses walked by and came over to tell me how great I looked. It was nice to see them and not have to see them (if you know what I mean).  🙂

Just as I was feeling settled and calm – I look up from my phone and guess who walks in and says my name… “Frantic Nurse“!!

I asked if she was taking my blood and she (frantically) said “Yes. I am filling in for xx and xx while they are on lunch.” There was a long awkward pause while I searched my brain for the right words. It probably was only 2 seconds but it felt like 2 minutes.

“I would prefer that you don’t take my blood. Could I have someone else?”
“Why?”
“I would prefer if a different nurse could take my blood.”
“Why? What’s the problem have I done something there’s nobody here until 1:30 I have to do it for you now or Blah blah blah frantic frantic frantic”

I stopped listening and went into panic mode. Ugh. This woman. I can NOT handle her. Her energy makes me feel like I’m spinning out of control.

So I took a deep breath and decided I didn’t need to explain to her why I don’t like having her draw my blood. I smiled again and said “I’m going to ask the receptionist to book me another time. Thank you so much.”

Her reaction?? I have no idea. I left the room. 🙂

As I was walking to the receptionist someone called my name. Turned around and saw a different nurse. I asked her if she was looking for me and she was. I said “Oh good. I was about to leave because I didn’t want “Frantic Nurse” to take my blood. She stared at me for a few seconds and said under her breath “I don’t blame you. She’s terrible.” We linked arms and walked down the hallway comparing notes.

“Frantic Nurse” sounds like a nightmare to work with. I told the nurse about how I had put in a complaint about my experience. She said it was good that I had done that but that because the Cancer Center is union run it probably won’t do anything. 🙁

I walked out of there feeling like a can of pop that had been shaken up. Ugh. It was so stressful. Thankfully Drop in Meditation was at 1:30 so I walked up stairs and lay on a mat and spent the next 1.5 hours trying to let go of “Frantic Nurse“.

Should I complain again? Last time I complained in person to the Head Nurse but I’m wondering if I should send in a letter. I don’t want to get her fired or anything but it sounds like she needs some re-training or to be moved to somewhere where she doesn’t interact with patients.

Ugh. It makes me exhausted just thinking about it… 🙁

In other news my hair is growing … It still doesn’t feel like my hair. It’s very thin and soft.

My regular hair is thick and stiff like a wire brush BUT it’s growing in nicely and I feel like I can pass for a normal person.

Proof of that is that I had a woman come up to me at the Cancer Center today and say “You have the most amazing shaped head. Is your hair short because of chemo or is this how you wear it normally?”

I said “Yes. Both.” 🙂

Happy V Day!
For me Feb 14th always reminds me of the production of The Vagina Monologues I did in 2008. Our opening night was Valentines Day and I’ll never forget it. 🙂

Working on that production was SO much fun and the forever-friends I made in the process … the whole experience was transformative. Plus getting an entire theater of 800+ people to chant CUNT was pretty amazing.

I can’t believe how much better I’m feeling. I am 11 days off of Tamoxifen and I feel like a bright green sprout pushing through the earth and reaching up for the sun. The other night Gerry said “I’m so glad you’re back”. His chirpy happy wife had disappeared for a while there.

I went to my second Aquafit Encore Program at the YWCA today and it’s really great. The camaraderie with the other woman reminds me a little of my experience with the Vagina Monologues.

With the VMonologues – we all started as strangers with a common experience (having vaginas). Ha ha. But the deeper we got with each other during the process of doing the play – the more we started to share our personal experiences.

I think the statistic is something like 7 in 10 women (myself included) around the world experience physical and/or sexual violence at some point in their lifetime. As we started to get to know each other during the process of rehearsal … I began to realize that we’ve all experienced trauma of some kind or another.

With this new group of woman and the trauma of cancer – you become fast friends as you start to talk about treatment, medication and share information. After the Aquafit (which is really a great workout btw) we all meet in the yoga room and have a roundtable.

Last week we talked a little bit about ourselves and about what we’d like to get out of the program.

This week they had a speaker come in and talk to us about Lymphedema (which can happen with BC patients who have had surgery/radiation).

Little by little I am getting to know these woman. Some of them I see repeatedly during the week at Therapeutic Touch, drop in meditation, and my Chemo Brain class.

I know from my experience with the Vagina Monologues that sharing with others who have had similar experiences helps heal you in a way you can’t do on your own. Even sharing with someone that you think you have NOTHING in common with can show you things you didn’t expect but desperately needed to see.

But you have to be open.

Speaking of open. I went to the locker room today with the intention of getting naked. I decided to undress completely and not worry about trying to hid my chub or my scars. I flung everything off and got naked. I mean … I wasn’t the only one naked … but I have a thing about being naked in public. I can barely be naked when I’m alone. Ha ha.

I was feeling so proud of myself for being nude in public – when a woman in her 70’s came up to me and started asking me about my tattoos. I wrapped my towel around my waist and it was such a weird awkward moment. I felt SO uncomfortable. I kept wondering if she noticed that I have a giant mastectomy scar and am missing a breast. Was she going to mention it. Ack! Everyone is looking at me.

Then I thought … Stop thinking and listen to what she’s saying! She just said you were beautiful and that your tattoo’s were amazing. I couldn’t hear anything she was saying because I was feeling so guarded about my scar. I thanked her and told her she should get one. She laughed and said “I just might!”

When I joined the VMonologues I was guarded. I had been scarred by a few friendships that had fallen apart for various reasons and I felt like I was at the age where I didn’t need any more friends in my life. Ha ha. How silly is that? Everyone benefits when you have more love in your life. It took me a while to let my guard down with the group but when I finally did … I formed some amazing friendships.

I’m so thankful for that VM experience because I now enter each new “group” I join with different attitude. My heart is forever changed. It’s open and it’s filled to the brim with gratitude and love and that’s because of my Vagina Sisters.

But never-mind about my vagina and my one healthy boob. 🙂 What I’d like to focus on is V-Day.

If you’re not familiar – it’s a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls. V-Day generates broader attention for the fight to stop violence against women and girls, including rape, battery, incest, female genital mutilation (FGM), and sex slavery.

There are all kinds of ways you can take action. Visit the V-Day website for ways you can get involved. We have to take care of each other and today is the perfect day to start doing that. ~Love you.

I have tested negative for the breast cancer gene. This means my chance of a recurrence is low.

The clinician who gave me my results said that science is not smart enough yet to explain how/why my breast cancer arrived. It’s just what they call a random mutation.

I have a meeting with my oncologist on the 7th to talk about my options now in terms of medication, etc etc.

So this is good news… Although it’s difficult to jump for joy with this kind of stuff. It always leaves me feeling cold. Probably don’t want to get too cocky. 🙂

Anyway… I’ll know more about my upcoming treatment plan after the 7th.
Love you guys.
xoxo
SARAH