I’m not much of a cryer.
Well … that’s not true. I’m a weller. Everything makes me well up. Commercials, watching the results shows on So You Think You Can Dance, puppies … Oprah! For whatever reason (probably rooted in childhood bulls**t trauma) I will not let myself cry in front of people … I hardly even cry in front of myself. *laugh* On the rare occasion when I do allow myself to cry – I am no Demi Moore – I am a nightmare of snot, puffy eyes and a bright red nose. It’s not something I want to share with anyone.
photo by Jill Greenberg
It’s not a healthy way to be and I recognize that so lately when I feel myself welling up … I’ve been trying to let go and let it out. Mascara be damned!! I just go with the flow of tears and allow myself to really feel what it is I’m feeling. Not stuff anything down.
Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you. I’m a stuffer too. If you hurt my feelings … I’d never tell you. I stuff it inside for later to munch on while I well up and feel bad about myself. So I’m working on not being a weller who stuffs but rather someone who feels and shares her feelings and goes with the flow of tears.
This month things have come up that I would normally stuff away for late-night toss-turn beat-myself-up contemplation but instead I’ve used these non-emergency emotional situations as an opportunity to work on letting go and letting it all out as it comes. Well let me tell you something – I’m exhausted. All this feeling and crying only seems to lead to more un-controllable sobbing and then to top it all off?? I get a COLD SORE?!!
F**k you cold sore. I’m trying to do something positive here with my feelings and now you show up to taunt me? How dare you? Yeah. I said it. Cold sore. I’m not ashamed. Did you know that 85 percent of the world’s population has this type of herpes virus. I AM NOT ALONE! Why all the shame anyway? We should celebrate our cold sores!! … well … maybe not celebrate but it’s not a reason to cry. 🙂
I’m off to work-out. Nothing makes me feel better sweating on my elliptical trainer while watching my tivo’d John Stewart from last night. Maybe he’ll make me laugh so hard that I’ll cry. And I promise I won’t hold back…