I made the mistake of looking back through my Instagram photos the other night. It put me into a deep dark hole of depression.
I stopped on this one photo because I realized it was taken almost 6 months to the day I was looking at it. This was the morning I woke up after my mastectomy.
I don’t think that lady has any clue what she’s in for … she spent so much time worrying about the surgery and what she really should have been worried about is the chemo.
What a difference 6 months can make on a person. This photo of me in the corset was taken a week before my mastectomy. That lady on the left has a GIANT golf ball sized cancerous tumor that is trying the kill her.
The lady on the right? Despite her bald head, scar and sickly look … she is actually in a much better position then the lady on the left. The lady on the right is kicking ass!
I don’t know why I’m talking about myself in the third person …
There was a photo of me and Gerry on the day of my mammogram. Neither of us had any idea what was about to happen to me that afternoon… that my mammogram would turn into a needle biopsy that diagnosed my cancer.
We’re just a couple of goofs in a waiting room messing around with our phones because we were bored …
My heart hurts so bad for those two goofballs … the rug is about to be pulled out.
Anyway … looking back through the photos broke my heart. I am not ready to look back yet. There will be plenty of time to reflect later.
When you’re IN the trenches fighting a war you don’t look back. You soldier forward.
The saving grace for me has been the weird weather. So many weird misty, cold, cloudy days and I’ve been loving it. I never ever look forward to the end of summer but this year I can’t wait until it’s cloudy every day.
The heat is not my friend. I don’t know if it’s the chemo, the chemo-pause (menopause) or what but I can’t handle any heat. My body doesn’t know what to do with itself so it just gets woozy.
On sunny days I am stuck inside hiding in the bedroom and counting the minutes till the sun goes down so I can go outside for a walk.
Lucky for me the weird change in the weather came at a perfect time. My lovely Niece Heidi came to visit me and because of the colder weather we were able to go out and have a little fun.
Heidi came with her best friend Emma. It was so funny watching them together… especially because it was only a few weeks ago that my best-bestie was here. They finish each others sentences and are like chirpy little birds. Ha ha. Just like me and Shoshi.
Trying to convince two teenagers to let loose and have some fun was a lot harder then I thought. Was I that difficult when I was 18? I think I was. Ha ha.
Before I knew it … it was time to send the ladies back home.
I was so very happy to see Heidi and spend some time with her. I wanted her to see that I am ok. That even though I was going through cancer treatment and that my eyelashes and hair have fallen out – that I’m ok. I’m still me.
Maybe it doesn’t even register with her that something catastrophic has happened to me. Maybe to her I’m just the same old weirdo Auntie.
Life has become a bit of a boring routine now that I’m on weekly Taxol. Thankfully there are less sick days then the AC chemo and as usual my life-coach Fergus is very good at keeping an eye on me and making sure I’m resting.
We have a regular routine/picnic for chemo now. I bring a jar full of cucumbers/carrots for munching on. A neck pillow. Some Smooze fruit pops for when my mouth tastes weird and my noise cancellation headphones.
Every week we set up our chemo picnic and Gerry and I watch Ink Masters on the ipad. It’s the perfect show for passing the time …
I’ve also started wearing ice-mitts. Oh god it’s horrible but it will hopefully keep my fingernails from falling off and help me from developing neuropathy. The cold is supposed to stop the chemicals going all the way to your finger tips …
It’s hellish. Have you ever tried to hold an ice-cube for an hour? Do it… It’s the worst feeling in the world.
There’s a lot of 6′s in my life this week. Not only has it been 6 months since my mastectomy but this week marked #6 of 12 chemos. I’m halfway done BITCHES!
… halfway done the chemo that is. Then I move on to radiation which is going to be a whole other mountain to climb but I’ll worry about it later.
It’s crazy how low I was feeling and then suddenly everything changed with a text. Our friend Trish (owner of Smoking Lily and longtime neighbour of Tattoo Zoo) gave us a couple of VIP Passes to Rifflandia.
Yippee!! Tomorrow night we are going to see Courtney Love perform!! I am so excited. I wish I could see more of the festival but I have to conserve my energy.
God. Life is such a roller coaster lately. Will things ever feel normal again?